‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today,’ proclaimed Reverend Nigel Vicars, the local vicar of the parish of Rusty Meadows, ‘to witness the union of Rupert Johnson and Emma Dale.’ Suddenly the doors of the church burst open. The congregation turned together, in unison and all at the same time to see Aussie Steve stride up the aisle and bellow, ‘Yes, me!’
‘Yes me, what?’ asked Vicar Nigel.
‘You've just asked if anybody knows of any reason why these two shouldn't get married,’ replied Aussie Steve, who despite being called Aussie Steve isn't actually from Australia. He doesn't even have an Australian accent. He does run the local surf club though, so he believes that makes him an honorary Australian, and sometimes he throws in the odd bit of stereotypical Australian slang to add further weight to his claim.
‘No, I didn't,’ responded Rev Nigel. ‘I've only said the “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today” bit. You're too early.’
‘Oh, right. Well, how the fudge was I supposed to know? I'm out there, you're all in here, the walls of this church are made of stone and I can't hear a thing of what you're saying. Flaming galah! I'll come back later.’
Aussie Steve strode back out of the church and slammed the doors behind him. Vicar Nigel Vicars continued with the marriage ceremony of Rupert Johnson to Emma Dale. Rupert is the son of Robert Johnson, owner and farmer at Flat Hill Farm. Despite being the son of a farmer, Rupert doesn't like to muck in with the mucking out on the farm. Instead he tinkers with cars. Not a lot is known about Rupert's mother, as this makes it easier for me to introduce her in a future episode, maybe as part of a shock twist in a cliffhanger. Emma is the daughter of Wensley and Jennifer Dale. Wensley is an architect and Jennifer a doctor's receptionist. Rupert and Emma, both in their mid-twenties, have known each other since they were children, having having gone to school together. Having having gone? Hmmmm, sounds wrong to me. Even so, they only recently became an item after having a nice meal together at Chiquitos. There and then, as their eyes met over his Chimichanga and her Empanadas, they fell in love and decided to get married. Their waiter even gave them a free glass of Fanta each. It was a very romantic moment.
‘If anyone can show just cause why Rupert and Emma may not lawfully be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.’ As soon as Reverend Nigel had said those words, the congregation turned in unison and stared at the church doors, expecting them to burst open and Aussie Steve to stride in. But nothing happened. Nigel spoke louder. ‘Anyone? Especially anyone outside? Speak now or forever hold your peace.’ Still nothing. Rupert and Emma stared at the vicar, urging him to move on. ‘Pssst!’ said the vicar to a person sitting in the back row. ‘Can you see if Steve's still out there?’ Pssst got up, opened the church door and saw Aussie Steve standing outside waiting to march in.
‘I think you're up now,’ said Pssst to Steve.
‘Strewth!’ said Aussie Steve, pushing Pssst out of the way and striding back into the church. ‘Yes, me!’ he shouted. The congregation gasped in awe and astonishment, which is somewhat surprising as they kind of knew what was coming.
‘What?!’ said Vicar Nigel astonished.
‘What?!’ asked Rupert Johnson aghast.
‘What?!’ asked Emma Dale agog.
‘What?!’ asked the congregation awestruck.
‘What?!’ asked Aussie Steve astounded. ‘Um, oh yes. Sorry, my reason for stating that Rupert and Emma should not lawfully be joined together is that Emma is cheating on Rupert.’
The congregation gasped again. ‘That's quite a claim to make, Steve,’ said Rev Nigel. ‘How can you be certain?’
Steve walked up to the pulpit, switched on the microphone and looked at the congregation. All to make the situation even more dramatic and exciting than it already was. ‘Because I'm the person she's been cheating on him with,’ announced Steve, ending his sentence with a preposition just to annoy any fans of correct grammar reading this. ‘In fact, I was with her last night.’ There was another gasp of shock and amazement.
‘No you weren't,’ said Rupert. ‘I was.’
‘What about between 9.18pm and 9.20pm?’ replied Steve.
‘Um, I think I went for a dump about then. But that was only a couple of minutes.’
‘That's all it takes,’ said Steve, before realizing that doing so doesn't really paint him in the best light, whatever that means.
A voice from the congregation shouted, ‘You swine Steve!’ It was Jack Jackson, landlord of The Feathered Lion, the local pub. ‘How could you? You know I've been seeing Emma for the last couple of months. I thought I could trust you?’
‘What?!’ called out Sid Littlehead, Rusty Meadows' very own farrier. ‘Emma swore that she was only seeing me behind Rupert's back.’ More and more voices seemed to pipe up, saying pretty much the same thing.
‘Oh, for crying out loud!’ shouted Martha Edwards, the owner of Perm, Cut and Curl, the local chip shop. ‘Hands up anyone here who hasn't had a bit of Emma Dale? And what the hell is a farrier?’
A few hands went up. Mostly some of Emma's family, a couple of her bridesmaids, some nearby sheep. And Elderly Ernest, Rusty Meadows' oldest resident. Ernest's daughter, Molly, smiled and said to her father, ‘Thank goodness for that.’
‘What?' asked Ernest. ‘Sorry, I didn't hear the question.’
‘Oh, it was just Martha asking about who hasn't had a bit of Emma Dale?’
‘Oh, right, I see,’ said Ernest, putting his hand down.
‘Is this true, Emma?’ asked Rupert, also noticing that Vicar Nigel's hand hadn't gone up either.
‘What? No!’ stated Emma. ‘Of course it's not true! How can you question my love and faithfulness to you on this day of all days? On our wedding day?’
‘I'm sorry,’ replied Rupert apologetically. ‘It's just with everybody in here claiming that you've been with them, I guess I just started having doubts.’
‘If you're having doubts now, perhaps it's best not to go ahead with this,’ said Emma.
‘No, don't say that! I love you with all my heart. You are my everything. You're my Romeo, I'm your Juliet. You're the strawberry to my cream, the roll to my hot dog, the split to my banana.’
‘Don't be obscene, son!’ said Robert, Rupert's dad.
‘I want you, I need you. Please, let's still get married.’
‘Son, now you're just being weird.’
‘Not you, dad,’ said Rupert. ‘Emma. I'm talking to you.’
‘Oh, darling!’ smiled Emma. ‘Of course I'll marry you. Ignore what they're all saying. They're just jealous because they want me and can't have me. I'm all yours.’
‘Hah! See! She's mine,’ exclaimed a relieved Rupert. ‘Now, get off that podium Aussie Steve, get back into your seats wedding guests, and vicar, please marry us.’
‘Seriously?’ asked Vicar Nigel. ‘You're happy to go ahead with this?’
‘I've never been so certain of anything in my life,’ replied Rupert. ‘Well, not since I put that bet on Hillary Clinton becoming US president.’
‘Um, but she didn't win,’ said Nigel.
‘What? Who did win then?’ asked Rupert.
‘Trump.’
‘Aw, crap. Oh well, at least I was correct when I predicted we'd choose to stay in the EU.’
‘Again, we didn't.’
‘Really? What the hell is the matter with people?’
‘I dunno, but you've probably just lost us fifty percent of our audience.’
‘Never mind, that'll still leave us with two thirds. Anyway, enough of this nattering about politics and stuff. Get us married.’
‘Are you totally certain? I know Emma has an enticing beauty, and her seductive eyes and luscious lips, make her irresistible. But, surely you have your pride.’
‘As William Shatner wrote in Troilus and Cressida, “I do hate a proud man as I do hate the engendering of toads.”’
‘I think you'll find that it's Shakespeare.’
‘Very well. “I do hate a proud man as I do hate the engendering of Shakespeare.” Not sure what the quote actually means, but it sums up my opinion on pride. So, without further ado, just do the wedding.’
‘Okay, as you wish.’
And so, the Reverend Nigel Vicars married Rupert and Emma. They kissed, the congregation cheered, and off they went for the reception at The Feathered Lion.
