STARS FOR JUNE 1998
More Mystic Merriment with Britain's Best Astrologer
When Psychic Jim originally wrote these predictions, he didn't write them specifically for the month of June, hence he sometimes does a prediction for a weekend (eg, Aries) and every star sign has a Tip of the Day, as opposed to a Message of the Month as the predictions following this month do. It's all fascinating stuff, n'est pas? Well, maybe I'm the only person that finds it fascinating.
ARIES (March 21st - April 20th)
Although it's highly unlikely that anybody actually pays any attention at all to my psychic predictions, it is also highly unlikely that you will win the lottery. In fact, the chances of my predictions being accurate are much greater than the chances of six of your balls dropping out of Lancelot this weekend.
TIP OF THE DAY: Don't eat when you aren't hungry because you'll not enjoy it as much.
TAURUS (April 21st - May 20th)
June is going to be fantastic this year. However, of course, June is fantastic every year. I was speaking to her last week. "Oy, Psychic Jim," she said, "have I ever told you how great you are?" Oh yes, I'm a big fan of June. She can join me in a cup of tea anyday. And, erm, oh, this isn't really a prediction. So, erm, watch out.
TIP OF THE DAY: A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat.
GEMINI (May 21st - June 20th)
You will be extremely distraught and angry over the fact that Taurus got a bigger prediction than you have. However, that's because I can't work this computer properly. So, argh! This isn't a prediction either. Right, things are going to be great.
TIP OF THE DAY: It's no use crying over spilt milk
CANCER (June 21st - July 20th)
If it's sunny this month, why not throw a barbecue? That's it - pick it up, chuck it in the air and shout out loud, "I'm a demented weirdo. Lock me away before I do some real damage!" On the other hand, you could always cook a sausage and some burgers on it. It all depends on the state of your mentality really.
TIP OF THE DAY: Never play with fireworks.
LEO (July 21st - August 21st)
Owing to some amazing astrological coincidence, your horoscope looks just like a series of words, forming sentences which tell of nothing of any use whatsoever. This month, or next month, or whenever, you should really consider eating some Birds Eye Fish Fingers. They're delicious.
TIP OF THE DAY: An empty vessel is not as full as a full one.
VIRGO (August 22nd - September 22nd)
Keep your eyes open during the forthcoming month. After all, if they aren't open, you're only going to end up bumping into a lamp-post or something and, although that may be absolutely hilarious to an on-looker, you will not be amused and will probably have a headache. So, always look where you're going and things will be fine and dandy.
TIP OF THE DAY: Oh, I can't think of one. You make one up yourself.
LIBRA (September 23rd - October 22nd)
Despite being the embodiment of perfection, you will realise this month that you have got to keep your socks pulled up. You don't want to get cold ankles, and you certainly don't want to get pneumonia. And, although it may be nearly summer here, it's winter in Australia.
TIP OF THE DAY: There's nowt wrong with a bent banana
SCORPIO (October 23rd - November 22nd)
Looking into the stars, I can see the plough. This symbolises that fact that a farmer may play a part in your life this month. Maybe he'll be a friendly farmer and he'll introduce you to one of his cows, and if he's in a particularly good mood, he might let you milk one of them too. However, he could also mow you over in his tractor.
TIP OF THE DAY: Save your pennies and you'll have loads of loose change.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd - December 20th)
Believe it or not, and you probably won't seeing as I'm making this up, you will discover that the grass is greener on the other side. Watch the World Cup on BBC, and then watch it on ITV. You will notice that ITV's picture is brighter than BBC's, hence the grass being greener on the other side thing.
TIP OF THE DAY: Never start something you can't finis
CAPRICORN (December 21st - January 19th)
The chance to dabble in some black magic arises this month. However, because you have never dabbled in black magic before, you will end up doing something like burning your house down, or giving your neighbour's cat three extra heads. And, because black magic is extremely dangerous, don't blame me if you are haunted by Paul Daniels in a later life.
TIP OF THE DAY: Watch what you step on.
AQUARIUS (January 20th - February 18th)
This month, you will make a decision that will change the whole course of your remaining life. You will decide to buy windows from Window WorldTM, the greatest window manufacturing place in the universe. Windows are available at knock-down prices, and they are all see-through and transparent too.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you've got something to say, say it. If not, keep quiet.
PISCES (February 19th - March 20th)
You will discover that you cannot hold an interesting conversation with anybody. Have you ever considered a career in hairdressing? Okay, I'm stuck for ideas now. So, how are you? Really? Great! Yes, I am too. Done anything exciting lately? No? Oh well, I'm sure you will do one day.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you smell something fishy, you may be near a fish and chip shop.
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