Following his absence of four months spent filming his new television series, "Psychic Detective," starring Psychic Jim and his Psychic Sidekick, Mystic Morag, Caverswall Palace's astrologer extraordinaire has reclaimed his seat in Jodrell Bank's Planetorium to go a-stargazing once again for the merry month of July 1999.
Something that a lot of people ask me is: "Why don't you get a life?" Something else that I also get asked is: "Why do you always begin your predictions with Aries?" The answers to both are simple. Firstly, Psychic Jim does have a life. He works part-time as a Butlin's entertainer. Secondly, "A" (for Aries) comes first in the alphabet. Okay, so if we were to be Alphabetically Correct, as is the fashion nowadays, Aquarius should be first. But, oh, what does it matter anyway? Just as long as you have a prediction, then you should be happy. However, unfortunately, owing to a lack of, erm, what is it? Oh, owing to a lack of motivation on my part, I didn't bother to think up a prediction for Aries. Oh well, worse things happen at sea, as they say.
Destiny has a face like Margaret Thatcher first thing in the morning.
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You will be highly excited one morning this month to discover that one of your cornflakes has cunningly disguised itself as a rubber alien finger toy. "Sneaky," you will say to yourself, while tipping milk over it and eating it with a mouthful of ordinary cornflakes. However, you will be angered by the fact that the cornflake in disguise tastes nothing like the undisguised cornflakes do, and spit the contents of your mouth, all mushed-up and soggy, into your handbag (if you're male, this is when your secret life as a drag artist is revealed). You will take your half-eaten breakfast to the local police station to complain that an attempt on your life has been made by the cornflake manufacturers. "A-ha!" the police officer will say. "Please accept a reward of ten pence for finding Colin the Cornflake. He's been on the loose for years. Murdered 16 Wheatabixes, he has. Lads! We've finally found our cereal killer!"
Destiny is holding a gun to your head.
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Standing in your kitchen with nothing better to do, you will decide to hold the first ever Kitchen Olympiad, using whatever objects and foodstuffs you can find in your cupboards. After the lighting of the Olympic Torch (a hob on your gas stove), the games will begin. In the first event, your washing machine and tumble dryer will compete to see which reaches the other side of the room first. Next up will be potatoes in the hundred metre mash, followed by coagulated milk in the two hundred metre curdles. The high jump will be contested using various objects and a toaster, whereas the long jump will be decided using other objects and a toaster placed sideways. Before some people come to take you away to a safe, secure place, you may be able to squeeze in your favourite event: the egg and spoon race. Usually, the egg wins by a whisker, but can the spoon make a shock come-back this year?
Destiny can be found in the dictionary.
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With July being a summer month, now would be a perfect time to plan a summer break. Yep, so decide what you'd like to break this summer. Breaking your television set could be quite entertaining, but nowhere near as entertaining as breaking the handbrake on your car. However, why not try experimenting with breaking a body-part? Breaking your arm could have interesting repurcussions, and it'll provide you with loads of sympathy. Or, why not break your heart or, even better, break somebody else's? Wow! That could occupy you all summer. Going off an a completely different tangent, a holiday would be a good idea this summer too. Personally, I think you should go on a cruise around the Arctic Circle. Whatever you decide to do, for some obscure reason, you will want to buy on old, orange travel bag. Unfortunately for you, Judith Chalmers is not for sale.
Destiny keeps her teeth in with a combination of Blue-Tak and Pritt Stick.
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Somebody this month will tell you that your breath smells. This is because Uranus is in, erm, space. So, what will you do to combat your little personal problem? Why, you'll start eating toothpaste, that's what you'll do. Neptune told me this so it's got to be true. And, if it isn't true, don't hold me responsible. I only pass on what the planets tell me to. Any complaints should be made directly to them. Neptune, being rather technologically advanced, even has his own E-Mail address. Simply send an E-Mail to him at neptune@solarsystem.co.space and have a moan at him. After writing to him via E-Mail, if I were you, I'd seriously start thinking about getting a life.
Destiny is going on holiday to Scandinavia this summer
This month, inexplicably, you'll put a handful of soggy cabbage into an envelope and post it to your best friend. When your best friend asks you what it is, you will explain that it is Kryptonite and add that Clark Kent swore by it when he was Superman. "What the bloody hell is this stuff?" he used to say. Being a bit on the gullible side, your friend will believe you and eat the soggy cabbage. After that, he will cut down trees with his laser-eyes and fly to the rescue of somebody falling out of the top window of a burning multi-storey block of flats. Soggy cabbage has some strange effects on some people, you know. You'd be an idiot to refuse it when given a plate-full of it by your mother.
Destiny eats lard sandwiches twice daily
Venus, your ruler, will be in a tremendously good mood this July. Yep, he will decide to make all Librarians knights. He will also make Librans knights too. Being associated with all things romantic as well, Venus will make this month an especially romantic month too. You could be there, standing at a bus stop, waiting for a bus (as is the norm when standing at bus stops), step on it and meet the person of your dreams. Or maybe your eyes will meet this person's during a night out at your local public house. However, the problems begin when you meet this person's parents, both of whom take an immediate dislike to you. "Did your mother feed you ugly pills when you were younger?" they will ask you. "What do you do for a living? Model for the horror section of Maddam Taussaud's wax-works?" "Is that your hair, or have they found a way of growing hair on meatballs?" However, take heart. Venus, your ruler, will get his revenge on them for insulting one of his subjects. Quite how he'll manage it is a mystery to me, but he'll manage it somehow. He mentioned something about tying their hair together in their sleep one night.
Destiny has five pet rabbits, all of which are called Keith
This month sees the arrival of the annual milk float race at Royal Ascot. Feeling like a challenge, you will decide to partake in the race, hiring out an electric milk float from your local milk float rental outlet. As the starter's gun is fired, you will rush off around the course at an astonishing three miles per hour. However, you, like all the other milk float racers, will soon realise how stupid the idea of a milk float race is when you all arrive at the first jump and decide that getting over it is a little on the impossible side. The next half an hour will be spent travelling backwards to the start of the course, fifty metres away, disappointed but hopeful that, for the race next year, the organisers will have got rid of the obstacles or that you will have somehow managed to train your milk float to jump.
Destiny has placed a bomb under your bed
Looking at my chart of the planets, I am slightly concerned about its accuracy. According to it, Earth is as big as the sun and only slightly smaller than Saturn. Mars and Venus are both the same sizes as Neptune and Uranus. Hmmmmm, since this planetary chart forms a major part of the basis of my predictions, I feel that the unusually-sized planets must mean something. Maybe they symbolise the fact that no matter how small and insignificant you may think you are, you are just as great and as important as every other person. Or maybe it means, "don't buy cheap posters of planets because they were produced by somebody who drew some random circles and decided to colour them in and pass it off as an accurate depiction of the solar system." Wow! According to it, Venus rotates in the opposite direction to the other planets. Fascinating.
Destiny thinks I made up these horoscopes
As the saying goes, "There's no smoke without fire." Of course, if you happen to have a smokeless fire in your house, the saying is something of an untruth and whoever made it up should be put away for being able to get away with filling our minds with such appalling misrepresentations of the truth for so long. After all, if that saying is wrong, what's to say that other sayings are also wrong? Why should we "Strike while the iron's hot?" That simply leaves burn marks on whomever you're striking. And, how can "Too many cooks spoil the broth" if "Many hands make light work?"
Destiny goes around supermarkets and straightens bananas
Since publication of this set of horoscopes, Psychic Jim has received a complaint from a Capricorn saying that July's prediction for Capricorn wasn't actually a prediction. Firstly, Psychic Jim apologises for any upset that this has caused any Capricorn and hopes that it doesn't give anybody a lesser opinion of him. Secondly, he asks the question: "How many of my sets of predictions are actually predictions?" Thirdly, and finally, he would like to say that July's prediction for Capricorn is, well, erm, oh, not to believe sayings because they're often wrong. There you go - he did predict that. He just didn't see the need to make it obvious seeing as the whole prediction was based on that topic.
July will be something of a boring month for Aquarians everywhere. It'll be a bit of a boring month for Aquariums too. July is always a dull month for Aquariums. In January, there are the annual fish skiing championships. Every February, it's the Water Sports. In March, our fishy friends audition for parts in the Oceanic Operatic performance which takes place in Aquariums nationwide in April. In May, excitement is the word as our fish have their water changed and in June, all fish take a short break to the holiday destinations of their choice. However, July is just totally eventless. If it weren't for the wedding of Freda Fish and Fred Fish on the Eighteenth, being a fish would be extremely dull this month. Yep, fish all over the world will watch Freda become the fish-wife of Fred. I can't believe I spent the whole of this prediction building up to the 'fish-wife' joke.
Destiny keeps her feet warm by using her ingenius invention: the electric sock
A lack of sleep this month will result in you becoming easily confused by the simplest things. You will try to telephone your friend, first with the shower-head and next with your iron, so as well as flooding your ear, you'll burn it too (but at least it won't be creased). Watching baseball, either if you're American and it's your national sport, or if you're an insomniac in the UK and are somehow managing to receive Channel Five, you will not be able to understand why batters who get home runs end up running in a circle and not home. You will take your microwave to the television repair shop and water your plastic flowers, getting increasingly annoyed because they haven't grown once since you paid a fortune for them two years ago. Finally, you will decide that the net in the centre of a tennis court is something of an inconvenience for the players and pop down to Wimbledon early this month to remove it, considering yourself to be a hero/heroine. And what will be the consequence of this? Well, play in the Wimbledon Championships getting delayed and Cliff Richard doing a performance of Summer Holiday while the nets are replaced. It's just a good job the total eclipse happens in August. If it happened in July, who'd know how you'd react to it while being in your easily-confusable state?
Destiny left her handbag in a supermarket and would like to appeal for its safe return on this web-page. It answers to the name Nora.
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16/6/1999