STARS FOR NOVEMBER 1998

ARIES (21st March - 20th April) An unexpected romantic encounter could catch you by surprise this month. But, because I've now told you that you will have a romantic encounter during November, it'll probably be neither unexpected, nor much of a surprise. However, act shocked and stunned and you'll have no need to have to explain that you knew the romantic encounter was coming because some strange psychic person from Stoke-on-Trent with too much time on his hands told you so.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Tomorrow's chips are yesterday's potatoes.

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May) With the sun's rays being less intense than usual this month, you will find that lying on the sands of Skegness sea-front, wearing nothing more than your swimming costume and maybe a pair of flourescent green flip-flops in the hope of getting a tan is an activity of the fruitless variety and one which you'd do well to avoid partaking in until, ooooooooooooh, at least June next year. What I'd recommend you do though is write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to Anne Robinson

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: If you don't know something, someone else will.

GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June) The planets Saturn, Neptune, Jupiter and Venus will, come mid-November, align themselves in a formation not unlike that of a group of line-dancers. So, for some late-night, celestial entertainment, just take a seat in your back garden, look into the heavens and prepare to be enthralled. But, telling somebody that you're going to spend a cold November evening in your back garden, watching the planets line-dancing may result in you being locked away and labelled a loopy loopster for quite some time.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: A wise man never showers with his socks on.

CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July) For some bizarre reason, you may decide to write an autobiography this month. But, you will have great difficulty with deciding who to write it about. Whether it is your mum, your cat, the one you love, you car (what with it being an "auto"biography), or even yourself, you can be sure that, when it comes to spelling big, complicated words correctly, a good dictionary will be only to pleased to be of assistance.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.

LEO (24th July - 23rd August) Jupiter's arrival into your seventh solar house of new experiences encourages you to try things for the very first time during November. Some ideas, as personally suggested to me by Jupiter himself, include getting the milkman to leave you a carton of mongo-flavoured milk which you can then tip over your cornflakes instead of the traditional white milk that you would normally use, wearing your clothes inside-out for a day, or even started a new religion.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: You may have a long face, but it's nothing compared with a horse's.

VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September) The cycle of the moon this month will impress and interest you greatly, so much so that you will decide that the moon's cycle is far superior to the one you own and, in the letter to Santa that you will write sometime this month, you will not forget to mention that, for Christmas, you would like a cycle just like the moon's, with gears, cogs, eclipses, and a bell. However, even the moon's cycle pales in comparison to that of Saturn's. Now that really does take some beating.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: If you tolerate this, then your children will be next.

LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October) A huge error of judgement will result in somebody not seeing you as the great person that you are. However, this mistake, which would have been a hanging offence back in the days when people got hanged, will soon be fixed, put right, rectified and made better when the person who misjudged you has spent five minutes (at the very most) in the company of you and your wit, charm and intelligence. Luck lies in the centre of the moon. Neil Armstrong buried a million pounds there when he landed on it in 1969.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Avoid sticky situations - don't eat glue.

SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November) The planetary influences in your astrological arena (isn't that where they film 'Gladiators'? Oh no, that's the National Indoor Arena. Sorry - my mistake). Er, where was I? Oh yes, the planetary influences in your astrological arena suggest that you're going to have a lot on this November. And they'd be totally right in suggesting this. After all, without a lot on, you'd be absolutely freezing and won't be able to feel your toes and fingers. And, I did have something else to add but I've forgotten what it was. Oh well.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Can't think of one. Sorry!

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December) A bizarre turn of events, caused by the planets going retrograde and doing other things that stars and planets do, will cause you to forget who you are. So, this would be the ideal time for you to re-invent yourself. Change your name, change your personality, change your shampoo (to Fructis, available everywhere now for only £2.19. It's great!). In fact, change everything and totally confuse everybody you know, and then, when you've done that, change back to how you were originally. That'll completely bewilder them.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't sit on any fireworks this month. You may take off.

CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January) You will discover this month that a loved one has being playing games behind your back. Of course, this will casue tension and much misery, with you marching up to the traitor and saying something like, "How dare you play games behind my back? You could at least have asked me to join in. You know I enjoy a good game of Snakes and Ladders, Ludo and Monopoly as much as the next man." What effect this will have, only fate can say.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Des dies in Coronation Street this month. Don't miss it.

AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February) Did you know that there is a song called 'Aquarius'? Well, if you didn't, you know now, and I've just enlightened you with a brand new piece of knowledge. I suppose I'd better tell you what the stars say will happen to you in November now. Unfortunately, though, when it came to looking at your chart last night, the sky was particularly cloudy and I couldn't see a thing; not even the moon. However, there were plenty of fireworks flying around to keep me occupied, so my evening wasn't entirely a waste of time. Reading this is a waste of your time though. Hee-hee!

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Smile and the world smiles with you. It does. Really!

PISCES (20th February - 20th March) After weeks, or even months, of frustration and annoyance, the moment you've been anticipating for ages finally occurs this month. The planets have got their act together and have told me that, sometime this November, Cilla Black will be back with a brand new series of 'Blind Date'. From then until next Spring, your Saturday evenings will be pure heaven. You have 'Gladiators', 'Blind Date', 'Family Fortunes,' and you can record 'Noel's House Party' and 'Jim Davidson's Generation Game' off the other channel. What more can you ask for (apart from a life)?

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: You may be the last horoscope I write, Pisces,and usually you're the worst. Sorry!

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