Your Horoscopes for August 2012
It's summer, and Psychic Jim is back again to bring to you
the news from the heavens above! This month, the stars appear to be pretty
generous in their newsgivings and have provided the Psychic One with the
predictions that lie below. So, rather than reading this introduction, read
the following horoscopes instead!
ARIES (21st March - 20th April)
This month you will decide to buy several sets of dentures. This isn’t because your teeth are falling out (or maybe they are - I wouldn’t know, I’m a psychic not a dentist), but because of something you recently read in a self help book for miserable and unhappy people. Basically, the self help guru of said book states that seeing people smiling is infectious, and will cheer you up and brighten your day. However, because everybody is miserable nowadays, not many people walk around smiling (I blame it on the global economic crisis and rising fuel costs, but then again, I blame everything on them). So, you will decide that buying a few sets of smiley dentures and placing them randomly around your home will cheer you up whenever you see them. You’ll even put a set up your loft in the hope that you’ll forget about them in December and get a surprise smile when going up there to get your Christmas decorations. And, well, that’s it. That’s all you’re going to do in
August. Just buy dentures and scatter them around your house. Friends and visitors may think you’ve gone a bit crazy, but you don’t care. You’d rather be seen as happy than as normal.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A helmet. Always handy if you're riding a bike. Or
playing catch with a housebrick.
TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)
Being a Taurus, you are quite an antisocial creature. You prefer nothing more than spending time by yourself. Your motto in life is “Bam bas bat bamus batis bant” which roughly translated means “The best company is your own company.” (I knew doing Latin at school would have a use one day). Oh yes. Your social network of choice is Google Plus, a place where you can be alone with your thoughts and feelings, safe in the knowledge that it’s very unlikely that there is going to be anybody else at all on there to disturb you anytime soon. So, when you get the chance this month to move to a disused oil rig and set up home there, you will jump at it. You’ll have it kitted out with the finest Ikea furniture that the Swedes can produce, and turn it into your dream house. But, one night, when you decide to entertain yourself with a viewing of
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle on your DVD player, you will suddenly hear the sound of helicopters hovering above your new abode. Your mid-sea home will be lit up by bright flashlights, and a crack dive squad will emerge from the sea and up the ladder to your front door. Oh yes, these are the copyright police, and they’re there to confiscate your TV, DVD player and anything else that can play or display any form of recordable media. One of the crack team will leap over to your DVD player, tear out the Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu action comedy and throw it in the sea. They will also locate your box of old VHS tapes, including your treasured compilation of DFS sofa adverts, and doom them to the same fate as the
Charlie’s Angels. You will then be reminded that it is a breach of copyright to use video cassettes or Digital Versatile Discs in locations such as airlines, clubs, coaches, hospitals, oil rigs, prisons and ships.
You get reminded of this rule in the notice at the end of each and every film,
in every single one of Planet Earth's languages. And, seeing as you’re on an oil rig, you are breaking this rule and the copyright police simply won’t tolerate it. Yep, there’s a reason more people don’t decide to move out to oil rigs, and it quite often involves not being able to watch copyrighted material on them. Oh well.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A person you don't trust will tell you a lie this
month. Unexpected? No. Idiot? Yes.
GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)
You regularly get told that you are your own worst
enemy, and this is especially true in August. This is due to the moon being full
this month and some other goings-on in space. It's probably also something to do
with your being a Gemini and having a split personality. I wouldn't know, I'm
not an astrologer. Oh, I am, apparently. Well, in that case, it is entirely to
do with you being a Gemini and having a split personality. For some reason, you
will decide to declare war on yourself and make your own life a living hell. You
will spend the month doing all manner of things that will cause you headaches,
embarrassment, anger, pain and suffering at some other point. You will leave for
work but post your house keys through your front door to give you an unpleasant
surprise when you get home that evening. You will put cling film over your
toilet seat and laxatives in your cups of tea, which will cause much mess in your
bathroom, something that you will blame on an exploding chocolate fountain that
you have on loan from your local Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet. Your will
furnish your salad with nettle leaves rather than lettuce, take out loans and
credit cards from dodgy companies that advertise on daytime TV with rediculous
APR rates of 20000%, and buy the Pukka Pies England Supporters Band's Greatest
Hits Album and play it on endless repeat. You really can't stand their
out-of-tune and out-of-time renditions of The Great Escape, Rule
Britannia and their latest "masterpiece" - the first few notes of Seven
Nation Army. You were over the moon to hear they had been banned from
attending England's first match during Euro 2012, but true to form, petitioned
for this ban to be lifted for subsequent matches. You will also switch your
toothpaste with superglue, hide tin foil under the revolving plate in your
microwave, and rub dog food into your private bits, knowing that you are going
to be visiting your crazy aunt and her seven Yorkshire Terriers later that day.
But why? Why this madness? Why this hatred of yourself? Oh, I've already said.
It's your split personality. That's why. Suppose it's something you're going to
have to live with.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Mr Grey might be able to get away with it, but
behaving like a pervy stalker in real life will land you in trouble.
CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)
Many years ago, Princess Diana spoke of her “rock”. This rock was called Paul Burrell, and he was her faithful butler. Ever since, you’ve heard several other people jump on this bandwagon and talk about the support they have received from their “rocks”. However, you’ve always felt a bit left out. Although you have a fantastic partner, family and a great support network of friends, you don’t have a rock. You have a few stones in your back yard, but no rocks. You’ve never known what it feels like to have a rock by your side, to listen to your woes, offer selfless advice and be there for you twenty-four seven. So, you’ll pay a visit to your local rock shop, pick up a rock that looks quite loyal and trustworthy and take it home. But, you just won’t see the attraction of having a rock. You will find that your rock doesn’t actually do anything. It just gets in your way, ignores everything you say to it, and the advice it gives you is absolutely pathetic. You will attempt to take it back on the grounds that it isn’t fit for purpose and spout out stuff that you read on that Money Saving Expert site about knowing your rights and the Sale of Goods Act and whatnot. However, you will find that your statutory rights, whatever they are,
are affected by purchases of rocks and that you’re not entitled to a refund. Oh well. You’ll just have to put up with it. And hope that it doesn’t profit off you by selling stories about you to the press when you’re nought but dust.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Dog biscuits are not actually made out of dogs. I
still wouldn't recommend you eat them though - unless you happen to be a dog. In
which case, woof. Woof woof bark bark woof. 97% of people won't get this.
Forward this on if you're in the 3% that do.
LEO (24th July - 23rd August)
Sometimes you start things that you just can’t finish. Like writing a book, tidying out the spare room, painting a picture, weeding the garden. Psychic Jim has this problem. He began writing these horoscopes in February and still hasn’t finished them. Sometimes the only way to finish something is to take time away from it, and when you return to complete it, you find that doing so is actually quite easy. Hmmmm..... what’s this? A proper horoscope? Nah! Of course not! One of the things that you began doing a few months back was to start ripping all of your music from CDs onto your PC, to turn them into an archive of virtual tracks that you can listen to on your portable digital media playing device of choice at any time in any place - but possibly not on oil rigs if they have the same copyright restrictions as DVDs and videos. But, after transferring your collection of Steps albums across, you kind of lost interest. You still had hundreds of CDs to ‘archive’ and were not even a fifth of your way through. So, you decided to call it a day and come back another time. But come back you never did. Your collection of unripped CDs lay there untouched, and your portable hard drive lay there un, um, uncopied-to. But, the stars in August will provide you with a new bout of motivation. You see, the Olympic Games bore you, and you can’t stand watching people healthier and fitter than you doing sporty things. So, you’ll decide to return to your CD ripping project, rejuvenated and energised. However, three hours later, once you’ve
transferred your Vengaboys Greatest Hits album, you’ll lose interest again and decide to spend the rest of your afternoon watching a Come Dine With Me omnibus on More 4. You’ll promise yourself that you’ll return to your CDs when it’s finished, but by the time that happens, the sky will be dark, the moon will be out, and your bed will be calling you. And for the months that follow, your music archiving task will be something that will naggingly remain at the back of your mind that needs finishing. So, the lesson in this horoscope is, don’t start what you can’t finish, which is different to how it started when it was something like come back to something that you’ve started with a clearer and fresher mind. See, that’s what happens when you leave it five months between starting a prediction and finishing it. Its whole meaning changes.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Eating too many Big Macs may make you fat.
VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)
An argument this month with a member of your family will leave you upset and angry. Why? I dunno. But anyhow, this argument will put you in a bad mood and you’ll take out your frustrations on other people. People such as the window cleaner. When he knocks on your door to tell you he can’t do your windows this week because it’s still raining, you’ll put your fists through all of your windows and tell him not to bother coming again because he’ll have nothing to clean when it does finally stop raining (apparently we’re going to have a rain-free day in October - you heard it here first, from a psychic as well, so it’s got to be true!). Yes, you’ll be angry, but you’ll be irrational with it to. You’ll also get annoyed with the woman in your Sat Nav for sending you into traffic while driving to work one day, although it’s a five mile trip you do everyday and you don’t actually need to be navigated there. You’ll change its destination to some random place in Wales, throw it out of your car window and shout, “You can get somebody else to take you there Jane! You’re not going anywhere again with me!” And, the abuse you’ll give the self service checkout at Asda for ordering you to place your item in the bagging area simply cannot be printed here for fear of the whole entire website being closed down by the internet police. It’s something along the lines of you threatening to ram your cucumber so far up its bagging area that it’ll be complaining about an unexpected item in it for months to come.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Are you stalking Psychic Jim yet on Twitter? I
suggest that you do. What's that? Psychic Jim isn't on Twitter? Gah!
LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)
A new face in the office will give you the creeps this month. You won’t know why, but there will be something you just don’t like about her. The woman that everybody knows as Linda, you will refer to as the Troll-faced Trollop. You will go out of your way to make her feel unwelcome. You’ll spit in her tea whenever she leaves it unattended. You’ll write the words “I am a stupid cow” in tip-ex on her computer monitor. You’ll glue her mouse to her mousemat, empty the contents of your bin into her drawer, deliberately attempt to log in to her computer each morning and lock her password so she needs IT to reset it everyday. But, what will wind you up more than anything else and convince you that Linda is pure evil, is the fact that she is nothing but nice to you. She washes your mug every night, bakes cream cakes and shares them around, offers to collect your printing and even treats you to a bacon butty every now and again. However, this is all a front and your suspicions about Linda are actually correct. You will discover that it is Linda who deliberately blocks the toilets with toilet paper everyday. It is Linda who attempted to shred the office plants. It is Linda who switches the fridge off before she goes home each night. It is Linda who opens her car door into other car doors and parks over the lines in the car park. Yes, Linda may be a little crazy, but she’s also clever. She knew all along about your vendetta against her, and will manage to pin all of her actions on you. As you get summoned to your boss’s office, the last thing you will hear before entering it will be Linda cackling hysterically at you. The moral of the story: don’t mess with anyone called Linda in your office.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A pigeon may give you a funny look this month.
SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)
Being a Scorpio, you are a creature of routine. One of your routines is to watch the soaps, and Monday nights are a particular favourite. However, disaster will strike on one Monday this month as the batteries
in your remote run out when flicking down two channels from ITV1 to BBC One to go from
Coronation Street to EastEnders. Your TV will be stuck on BBC Two, just as an episode of
University Challenge is about to start. Not knowing how to change the
channel by physically walking up to the television, nor having the motivation to
find a battery, you will be left with no choice but to watch a bunch of rather
odd students answering questions about intellectual stuff. You will quickly
realise that you don’t know the answer to a single question and feel rather
depressed. To remedy this, you will decide to go to university so that you can fill your head with mostly useless stuff. And lo and behold, you will get a place at the university of your choice, doing your subject of choice, which is rather convenient for this prediction.
It's especially convenient given that most universities are on holiday in
August. Anyhow, now that you are studying, you can officially claim to be a
student. But you won’t be just any old student - no, you will be a wacky student. Yep, you’ll be into quirky,
crazy stuff that you think makes you stand out, unique and an individual. You’ll
purchase a bowler hat and wear it to every lecture, tutorial and event you
attend, 'cos it’s "literally so random". You’ll get yourself a completely impractical car, like on old Volkswagon Beetle or Mini, paint it a crazy colour and fill it with random hilarious items, like retro cartoon characters and furry dice. You’ll do things like put Christmas decorations up in March, create
obscure societies like "The Red Paint and Pedigree Chum Appreciation Society", or start a campaign to ban ginger people from being able to vote. You’ll own a traffic cone and name it Cyril, pretend that you like the music of some cheesy group
or artist like Jedward, Wagner or Steps. To stand out even further. you’ll develop a taste for obscure drinks, like Pernod
or Bovril, eat curry for breakfast, although that will largely be due to the
fact that all you will have in your flat to eat will be a takeaway from the
previous night and you've blown your student loan on alcohol. Oh yes, Psychic
Jim is into stereotyping. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this
prediction. Basically it was going to end with you rediscovering Emmerdale,
Coronation Street and EastEnders and yearning for a return to
your simple, routine existence, so you stop being a crazy student, quit
university and go home, purchasing a year's supply of batteries for your remote
on the way back. But it doesn't really seem that interesting now that I've
written it down. Oh well. I suppose not all predictions have to come to an
exciting end.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
I'm gonna live forever. I'm gonna learn how to fly.
High.
SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)
According to my crystal balls, Luke will be on your
side this month. Luke? Surely that should say luck? I think my crystal balls may
have made a typo. Hang on, I'll check.
Nope, apparently they haven't. They definitely meant Luke. So, um, yes, Luke
will be on your side this month. You may be asking who Luke is. And you'd be
right to ask too, seeing as I have no idea who Luke is either. It could be Luke
Skywalker from Star Wars, although I believe he is only a fictional character
from a fictional story. Or it could be Luke from the Bible, but the same may be
true of him as of Luke Skywalker. There are a couple of Lukes in Big Brother
this year, although I very doubt that you'd be that excited to discover that
they, or any other reality TV contestant for that matter, is on your side this
month. In fact, what are they on your side for? Did I even think this horoscope
through first before I decided to start writing it, or did I just decide to base
it on a play on words and go from there? Anyway, you do have some strong
opinions regarding the recent protests about milk prices, and having to pay a TV
license, and the rising cost of fuel, and public sector spending cuts by the
government (hello Google! There are some search terms there for you to pick up -
now send me some visitors!). So, perhaps Luke, whoever he is, will support you
in some, or maybe all, of your aforementioned campaigns. To be honest,
your campaigning for any of the above only really stretches as far as moaning
about stuff at work and maybe whinging a bit on public forums. But there could
always be somebody called Luke listening in or reading who shares your opinion.
Yes, it could be as simple as that. There's a lesson to be learned about
astrology and being psychic, and that's not to look too deeply into what the
mystical things, such as my crystal balls, are telling me.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A cowboy builder will use his lasso to kidnap your
cat. You should really have paid him for that wall you asked him to put up.
CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)
This will be one of those months when you’ll do what you want, when you want. However, some of the stuff you want to do is not always socially acceptable or even legal and you could end up crossing the line with a loved one. This will all start when Nick Clegg announces that his husband, Dave Cameron’s latest bright idea is to make it law that all fast food staff must advise customers on the dangers of eating too many burgers and pub workers advise all drinkers on the risks of drinking too much alcohol each time they serve them. “FFS!” you will shout, having seen the abbreviation on the internet. You don’t actually know what it stands for, but you’ve seen it written whenever people express outrage and disgust. “From now on, I’ll do what I want, not what the government think I should do! LMAO!” You’ll fry turkey burgers for tea, binge drink on a daily basis (although, technically, that’s not really binge drinking - it’s being an alcoholic), watch eight hours of TV every evening, buy old-fashioned light bulbs instead of those energy saving halogen ones that take forever to light up and make your house look like a kebab shop when they do, and play violent video games. “Have that you
bureaucratic busybodies!” you will say. I’m not too sure who you’ll say it to, but say it you will. “ROFL!” This discovery of freedom though will escalate. You’ll decide that the uniform policy at work doesn’t apply to you, nor does the rule that you shouldn’t be drunk for work (partly a consequence of binge drinking all the time),
and spend most staff meetings slurring like Kerry Katona on breakfast TV. You’ll decide that toilets don’t need flushing,
bills don't need paying, speed limits, road signs and traffic lights are just
street decorations and don't need to be observed, and that your promise to
remain faithful to your partner doesn't need respecting. At the very least, your
new attitude will result in people thinking that you're a bit of an idiot. But, there's a
very good chance that it may land you in trouble with the law or, even worse, in
trouble with your partner. Still, it could be fun for a short while.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Lost something? It'll be in the last place you
look. Or the second to last place if you take some convincing.
AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)
You may or may not be aware that the Olympic Games are
taking place this month. For the last four years, you have been preparing for
this major once-in-a-lifetime event, which kind of suggests that you were aware
they take place this month, so you'd be well advised to just ignore my first
sentence and continue reading this prediction as if it never existed. So, yes,
you've been getting yourself ready for the Olympics, both mentally and
physically, putting yourself through an intense fitness regime at your local gym
and practising hard at running fast, throwing things as far as you can, lifting
heavy objects, and generally doing all manner of sporty things. After all of
this work and effort, you will make your way down to London, turn up at the
Olympic stadium in your PE kit, and be refused entry by one of the security
guards there, who could well be an off-duty school lollipop lady filling gaps
that whoever is responsible for the Olympic Games security failed to fill in
time. Apparently, you can't just turn up at the stadium on the day of the event
in which you'd like to participate. No, instead, you have to have gone through
heats and preliminaries and all sorts of stuff before you can even be allowed to
represent your country in the Games. "Damn and blast!" you will say to the
security person. "What am I to do?" You may decide to sue your gym, as they
never told you during your induction that there are processes to follow if you
want to become an Olympic hero. Instead, they just showed you how to make the
treadmill go faster and steeper, and how to change the channels on the TV and
how to plug your iPod into it. Nothing about Olympic enrolment. You might even
attempt to sneak into the "Aquatics Centre" (that's the name of the swimming
pool, not an aquarium) and pee in the pool. But, more than likely, you will just make
your way back to the railway station, and take your place on the train back
home, and dream of what could have been. It's a sad time to be an Aquarius. Oh
yes.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
It's going to be September next month. You mark my
words.
PISCES (20th February - 20th March)
Venus is telling me that romance is well starred for
you this month. My interpretation of this is that you will meet somebody who may
become your soulmate. At the very least, it'll be somebody you will be able to
have a kiss and a cuddle with during the hot summer evenings that August
promises. However, your new-found beau or belle will turn out to have an
embarrassing problem. Yes, they have a habit of passing wind on regular
occasions. It's not something that appears to bother them, but it's something
that you will find a little awkward to deal with. It will begin on your first
date, which quite possibly will take place at a cinema. The pair of you will
occupy a couple of seats at the back of the movie theatre, share a pot of
popcorn and maybe even a little smooch, but there will be a stench that lingers
during events. This pong will return when you go for your second date, a
romantic meal at Nando's. At first you will know not of the source - it could be
too much peri-peri sauce in your vicinity - but all will become clear when you
go for a walk in the park and your companion breaks wind and the stinky smell
seeps into your nostrils again. Your new partner will show no sign of shame, or
remorse, or even acknowledgment. In fact, as things continue, you will find that
their guiltless passing of gas is something that they do all too often. When
meeting your parents, they will politely say hello, gratefully accept a glass of
wine and engage in riveting conversation about their hobbies and interests.
However, interspersed into the happenings of this happy occasion will be the
sounds and smells that are produced when one flatulates. Throughout your
courtship, your new love will continue to trump and fart and allow their bottom
area to produce sounds and smells that, although hilarious in a mobile phone
app, aren't actually that funny in social situations. Inevitably, the time will
come when you think that you need to broach the subject. The problem is that
your sweetheart is actually way out of your league when it comes to looks,
personality and intellect. Can you accept the fact that this person appears to
have no control over their anal sphincter? Or are their rectal proclamations
just too much for you to take? Only you can decide this. Not me. I just tell you
what the stars say. And that's it. I'm done!
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Psychic Jim should invest in some new logos for
each star sign. The ones he uses are over ten years old now.
