Psychic Jim's Predictions for October 2000

PREDICTIONS FOR OCTOBER 2000

As summer draws to a close and Autumn begins to dawn, Psychic Jim re-emerges from his annual summer hibernation, which, this year, he spent in France. And, immediately after getting down from the Eiffel Tower, he returned to his favourite observation point and had a look at some women undres-- sorry, the stars twinkling in the sky. You'd think he had nothing better to do with his life. Then again, he hasn't. Anyway, he's gazed at the stars, the moon, an aeroplane or two, and, by charting their positions in the sky, noting them down on a piece of paper and joining them together, he has managed to draw a dot-to-dot picture of a rabbit. My goodness! He's a happy horoscoper, er, ologer! And, what's making him even more happy is the fact that he has a brand new chair on which to sit when he is typing out these predictions. It's great! It swivels and goes up and down!! Wonderful! Anyway, I think I'll end this introduction now and present Psychic Jim's Predictions for October 2000.

ARIES (21st March - 20th April)
October has arrived, and you'll be in something of a strange mood (maybe you've had a new swivelly chair too). In fact, you'll be plain weird, even more so than usual. At first, your strangeness won't seem too strange (um, too many "stranges" in this prediction. Note to myself: buy a thesaurus and find other words for "strange"). You'll have conversations with plants about philosophy, religion, scientific breakthroughs and suchlike, but this will only be for a few minutes a day. However, as the month goes by, you will begin acting more bizarrely. One day, you'll wake up and wear a kettle on your head because you'll be convinced that it is National "Wear an object from your kitchen on your head" Day. Of course, such a day does not exist. In fact, you won't even think you are behaving strangely. After all, you will receive a phone call from your neighbour saying, "I'm popping over for a few minutes - hope you've got the kettle on!" You'll be convinced that everybody sees your act of madness as being perfectly normal. Your neighbour will not find the situation as acceptable though. In fact, you will probably end of falling out with each other over things. You will be extremely hot-headed (what with having a kettle on your head) and things between you and your neighbour could reach boiling point. But, feareth not, Aries. For, come the 22nd October, Jupiter will leave your, erm, thingy place, and enter Leo. And, for a month following that, all Leos will be mad.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Chewing pencils could cause you to get a splinter in a tooth

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)
This month, a fairground will come to town. Being something of a child at heart, you will venture down to the fairground to experience the thrills and spills of being charged a fortune to be spun (spinned/span?) around a couple of times on the merry-go-round which has three lights on it working. While walking around the fairground, somewhere in a corner will be a fortune teller's tent. Being somewhat fascinated by what your future holds (which might explain why you're reading these horoscopes), you will decide to let the fortune teller predict your future. "Your future," she will cackle (fortune tellers are often witch's too, so they have a habit of cackling), "your future is looking bright. Yes, your house is going to burn down. Your partner is going to leave you for somebody with more money and bigger breasts. You didn't know you'd married a lesbian, did you? Cackle, cackle, cackle!" (of course, if you are a woman reading this, the above joke is not applicable). "Your car will be clamped, towed away and sold to a scrap merchant for failure to pay a parking fine you didn't even know you had, and your starving dog will eat your leg." Your outlook doesn't look too good, does it? My advice to you is to save your money. After all, I've just told you what the fortune teller will predict. There's no point in paying her to repeat what I've just said. Instead, spend your money on a game of "Hook the duck and win a crappy plastic toy." Knowing your luck, or lack of it, you probably won't win. But, it's worth a try.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Look out for the letter 'P' this month. It could be quite handy while traveling along a road with a bursting bladder.

GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)
In October, you will enter a shop full of curious odds and ends and other weird objects. After leaving the sex shop, you'll enter a shop full of strange items. In here, you will see a bread-bin. However, this is no ordinary bread-bin. Nope, it is, in fact, a Russian bread-bin. "But, why is a Russian bread-bin any different to a usual bread-bin?" you will ask yourself, regardless of the looks of fellow shoppers wondering why you are talking to yourself. You'll buy the bread-bin and take it home, placing it in the centre of your kitchen table so that any visitors can see your new possession. But, on opening the bread-bin, you will find another, smaller, bread-bin inside it. And, inside this smaller bread-bin will be, believe it or not, an even smaller bread-bin. "Coo!" you will say to yourself. "Russians are great!" You will have discovered the Russian custom of making things and then putting a smaller version of it inside. It started with Russian Dolls and has now spread to bread-bins. In fact, you will be so amazed by this custom that everything you buy will be Russian. You'll buy a 28inch widescreen Russian television set, only to find a smaller portable set, ideal for your kitchen or a child's bedroom inside it, and an even smaller handheld television for when you're on the move (or sitting on the toilet) inside that. However, you will find that tuning these television sets in will be a nightmare. The instructions will be in Russian, and, instead of having letters and numbers on them, they'll have funny meaningless squiggles all over them. Oh well.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Shouting "Mint Sauce" in a field full of lambs is totally pointless because lambs don't actually get the joke.

CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)
There is an old English superstition which states that different sorts of luck will befall you depending on which day of the week you cut your nails. Bizarre, n'est pas? But, it's true. For example, if you cut your nails on Monday, you will be healthy. If you cut them on Tuesday, you will be wealthy. On Wednesday, you will get good news. On Thursday, you will get a pair of new shoes. On Friday, you will have sorrow. On Saturday, you will see your true love on the morrow. But on Sunday, you cut them for evil, "for all the next week you'll be ruled by the devil." Soooooo, why not play around with superstition in October? After all, I can tell you now that the third week of the month isn't going to be too thrilling. Why not cut your nails on every day of the week? Just think of how interesting your little life could become. Things will go wrong, and they'll also go right. You'll have the Devil playing around with your life, whilst meeting your true love at the same time. You'll be rich and healthy, but you'll be unhappy too. And, to top it all, you'll have some new shoes! Wow!!! What a week!

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
An eight-legged creature with eight arms and four heads could actually be four men in a coat trying to be funny.

LEO (24th July - 23rd August)
As you may or may not know, the world is a pretty big place. In fact, it is sooooooo big that there are some parts of it that have not even been stepped on by the foot of man (or woman for that matter). So, hence, thus and therefore, it is likely that certain places don't actually belong to a country. They are, in other words, unclaimed territory, without government, leadership and, um, people. Armed with this useful piece of information (and might I add that I really am impressing myself this month with the mounds of knowledge I'm producing. I'm also impressed with the mounds of crap I'm producing too, but that's another story). Yep, anyway, armed with this useful piece of information, a small amount of money, a compass and a map of the world, you will assemble a group of people bored with life, seeking to start afresh and again. Your little group will launch its expedition to one of these unclaimed pieces of land in a boat hired out from Bob's Boat Hire. You will eventually land on the shore of a virgin territory and stick a flag in its sand, declaring the land "The Independent Republic of Psychic Jim" (named after the person who put the idea in your head in the first place). Or you could call it "Jimland" depending on what you prefer. Your group of people will build homes, businesses and simple industries here in Jimland and their new lives will begin. However, one day, a total stranger will enter your little "settlement", tell you that the Isle of Man has already been claimed and request you to vacate his farm and stop eating his cows.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Did you know that, on the other side of the "Leo" symbol above, there is a picture of the Queen's head?

VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)
Something that you have been wanting to invent for a long, long time is the "glow-in-the-dark" car. You had the idea in August last year when the total eclipse of the Sun suddenly turned day into night and left millions of people in unexpected darkness. You thought that, should such an event happen again, people wouldn't have the hassle of having to switch on their headlights if their car lit itself up. And, they would not run the risk of causing an accident due to the fact that they are looking for the switch for the headlights. Nope, instead, they could carry on driving and concentrate on the road. Of course, the idea seems good on paper, but, practically, it has its disadvantages. (It's a bit similar to this prediction. It seemed good on paper too). Firstly, to get the car to glow in the dark, it would have to be exposed to light. Therefore, it couldn't be parked in a garage. Secondly, anything that glows in the dark tends to lose its glow after, oooooooh, five minutes so, unless you are making short journeys, the car is useless. And, as anybody knows, short car journeys are evil. Tony Blair doesn't like them, and he's going to keep putting petrol prices up and up and up if people don't stop making these evil short journeys. Anywhoooow, despite these drawbacks, you will still attempt to sell your idea. Eventually you will succeed. Soon your glow-in-the-dark car will be given away free in packets of cornflakes all over the country. Okay, so it'll be 300 times smaller than you intended, and won't actually run, but that's not the point. At least you have managed to get your car into production.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Photocopying your hand 30,000 times is a perfect way to waste a tree

LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)
Did you know that the word "Zodiac" is a combination of the two words, "Zoo" and "Dial." Yep, it is a "Zoodial". This is because, when it is in its circular form, it is a dial of animals. Most star signs are symbolised by animals. This is with the one exception: Libra! That's you! You're not a living being (symbolically speaking anyway). You are a set of scales instead. Why is this? Well, apparently, according to my "Big Book of Astrology," each star sign's symbol reflects the character of the person born under that sign. Leo's are meant to be strong like lions, Cancerians are meant to be crab-like (they walk sideways and nip peoples feet), Virgos are meant to be pure, innocent and chaste (so says my book), and Libras are meant to be, erm, shopkeepers in sweet shops. Yep, they are symbolised by scales, and they weigh sweets to make sure little kiddies don't get more than their fair share of pear drops and cola bottles. Okay, maybe that isn't entirely true. Not all shopkeepers are Libras. Being symbolised by the scales, Libras are also pretty balanced individuals. In fact, I'm one and I'm a perfect example of a balanced individual. Having this balance means that Libras can be conductors on trains or tightrope walkers. In both professions, they are able to keep themselves upright and not fall over. However, the one thing a Libra should be aware of, and especially in October seeing as there is a 23 in 31 chance that it is your birthday during that month, is that the scales that so strongly characterise Libra can easily be tipped by a drink. Yep, give a Libra a drink and that's it. They're on the floor, totally without balance, stability and functionality. And that's after drinking tea. Add sugar and you're asking for trouble. Add alcohol and you'd better start saving up money for bail.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A well-aimed kick could bring water to your eyes

SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)
Cupid's arrow will be twanging in your direction this October. "At last!" you will say. "I haven't had a good--" coo! My lava lamp isn't working right. The bubbly bits have got little air bubbles in them. Humph! Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, Cupid is shooting his arrows at you and you're mighty happy. The relationship will begin on one dull October afternoon in a launderette. You will be sitting there, reading Hello magazine, waiting for your washing to complete its last fifty spins. Suddenly, the person of your dreams will tap you on your shoulder and ask you out for a drink. However, things are not all they are cracked up to be in your new relationship. You will soon discover that your new partner isn't after you for your looks, personality or even money. Nope, instead, your love-interest is after your underwear. Why? Because he/she is a cross-dresser who saw your green and blue spotty underwear spinning around the washing machine and decided there and then that they would become his/hers. So, be warned. If your date invites him/herself into your house for a "coffee" expect your underwear drawer to be raided. And, if you're wearing those spotty undergarments on your date, be extra careful. There is a famous Chinese saying which goes, "Hya traw chan chan chin chon cham yam yin yong. Cheina wah yap wahahah chom ying yang wong." This roughly translates into, "A Cross-Dresser will stop at nothing to get the underwear he/she desires. Wise man buys from Marks and Spencers. We have special offer on Chicken Chow Mein tonight." That's what I got told when I took my book of famous Chinese sayings into my local Chinese take away the other night and asked what the one written above meant. Not quite sure how the Chicken Chow Mein bit fits in though.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
The cheque for £1,000,000 pounds that you will receive in the post this month is not actually real.

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)
Bored one night with nothing to do, you will decide to log on to the World Wide Web and do a spot of surfing. However, after starring at Yahoo's search box for about two hours trying to think of something to search for, you will eventually decide to research your family tree. A couple of days later, you will discover that you are, in fact, related to the Queen and are 1,747th in line to the throne. "My goodness me!" you will say ecstatically. "I am of the Queen's blood!" Your neighbour, hearing you shout this, will be somewhat disturbed, but will think nothing of it because she's used to you and your strange ejaculations. You will order a new red cushiony thing to sit on top of your toilet seat to add class to your bathroom and to give your toilet the added status of being your throne too, just to practice in case you ever have to sit on the real thing. After all, you never know. Something could happen to the 1,746 people who are eligible to become the monarch before you. You will rename your two Yorkshire Terriers Corgi One and Corgi Two. Your doorbell will be changed so it plays the National Anthem whenever it rings. You will also organise a party to celebrate you new status. However, you will totally shocked when you answer your door on party night to see Mrs. The Queen and Phillip the Greek standing on your doorstep with a bottle of wine and a four-pack of Carling. "One is led to believe that you are holding a party tonight," Elizabeth 2 will say. "Charles is sorry he couldn't come. He's riding his horse tonight. I've told him that he needs to spend less time with Camilla, but he won't listen. Phwa-phwa-phwa!" The evening will go incredibly well, with Lizzy the Second drinking herself silly and collapsing in a drunken heap on top of your kitchen table. A few months later, you will be flattered to read an article in the newspaper about the Queen ordering a hole to be cut into her throne, apparently the result of an ingenious idea of an "intimate friend."

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Wind chimes by every door and window in your house work great as burglar alarms.

CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)
Whilst browsing around a bookshop this October, you will come upon a book called Learn the Art of Witchcraft in Two Days. "Cool!" you will say to yourself. "I think I'll buy this. I've always fancied myself as a Harry Potter kind of person." Two days after purchasing the book, you will be ready to cast your first spell. Using your home-made wand, you will wave it around, shout out some foreign words and cackle loudly. Suddenly, the ice in your freezer compartment will catch fire. Slightly annoyed that your cod fillet fish fingers will now be defrosted and cooking away, you will also be rather chuffed that your first spell worked. Okay, so your first spell was meant to turn your dog's hair into worms, but the fact that you had half-mastered the art of witchcraft will be enough to keep you happy. As you near the end of the month, you will be almost a fully-fledged witch, complete with a big bubbling cauldron in your bathroom (okay, so it was originally a recently-fitted jacuzzi, but it's hot and it bubbles and, with some green coloured bubble bath in it, it looks cauldrony enough). You'll fly to work and back on your Vileda Supermop™, and, to look like a real proper witchy witch, you'll paint your face green. But, being a witch isn't all it's cracked up to be. For some reason, usually linked in with the fact that witches are evil and Satan owns their souls, people don't tend to like being associated with witches. And, if you persist in casting evil spells left, right and centre, don't be surprised if you find yourself with no friends whatsoever. Still, at least on the 31st, you can knock on people's doors and get given some free chocolates/loose change/mouldy biscuits with ease. And, if the person you're trick or treating refuses to give you anything, you could always cast a spell to flood his/her house.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Lighting a match in a hurricane could prove quite challenging.

AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)
This October, you will decide to take up a new hobby. You know what they say, "Hobbies maketh Man." I'm not quite sure who the "they" are who say that, but it's a good saying and it's one in which you have firmly believed since, ooooooooh, I told you about it a whole two lines ago. Anyway, what will this new hobby of yours be? Hmmmm, to be honest, I don't know for certain. The stars and planets are sort of throwing words at me, but they don't seem to be making much sense. Two words that do keep appearing are "elephant" and "collecting." Perhaps that's it! Perhaps you're going to become an elephant collector! I'm not quite sure why though. After all, elephants are strange things to collect, mainly owing to their size and smell. Maybe you could collect baby elephants. They're slightly smaller and, if they have big ears, are also able to fly. Well, that's what I learned in a film once, so it's got to be true. And, just think, you could take your baby elephant for a day out somewhere, and, if you manage to get yourself a little stinky and sweaty, you can use you new animal as a mobile shower. Other words that the stars and planets are throwing at me are slightly more obscure and make no sense at all to me. What on earth do the words, "horoscopes", "Psychic Jim" and "not actually real" mean?

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Ever wondered where "Printer Jam" comes from that manages to get into your printer and stops it from working? Nor have I, but they don't sell any of it at Tesco. I'll try Asda instead.

PISCES (20th February - 20th March)
Hooray!!! I've finally got to Pisces!! Thought I'd never manage it. I'm not saying that because writing this set of horoscopes has been particularly difficult and finding out I'd got loads more to think up has been frustrating me. Instead, I'm saying it because Pisces is my favourite astrological star sign and I've been looking forward to writing its prediction ever since I typed the first "A" in "Aries" when I began this batch of predictions. Soooooo, what does October have in store for Pisces? Combs, that's what. Yep, you'll begin October with a look of bewilderment on your face. Now, this could be because you've lost your way home and don't know where you are but, because that happens almost everyday for you, it is more likely to be because you haven't got the slightest idea why combs are said to have teeth. You've been brought up to believe that teeth are white things that live in your mouth to chew on things and turn yellow if you don't brush them or if you smoke too much. There is nothing on a comb that chews on things or turns yellow when they aren't cleaned. You will personally believe that the "teeth" on combs should actually be called "prongs", simply because it sounds better and suits them more. You will also be concerned about whether or not an old comb is said to be "long in the tooth". Another thing that will confuse you about combs is how you brush their teeth. After all, aren't both brushes and combs meant to be used for the same thing? Brushing a comb seems slightly bizarre. However, by the end of October, you will stop worrying about combs. Instead, you'll spend your time thinking of ways of getting your own back on the little boy who walks past your home every night and uses a remote control to change the channel on your television.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Playing with mobile phone tunes in public places is possibly the most annoying thing you could do this month.

OTHER PREDICTIONS

- Christmas 2000 - July 2000 -
- November 1999 - July 1999 - February 1999 - January 1999 -
- December 1998 - November 1998 - October 1998 - June 1998 - May 1998 -
- Year 2001 Predictions -

- Psychic Jim's Dreams Analysis - Psychic Jim's Prediction Generator -
- Psychic Jim's Medium Wave - Biography of Psychic Jim -

Psychic Jim - Written by James Adams