Your Horoscopes for July 2014

Woah!!! Just what is going on here? I produced a set of horoscopes for June 2014 not long ago. I don't do consecutive months! No, once I've written a set of horoscopes, that's it, I'm done for a few months, sometimes a few years. It's in my contract. Somewhere. Not since the beginning of 1999 have I produced a set of horoscopes for one month and then a set for the next. I need to speak to a manager. Just who is in charge here? Hellooo??? Hmmmm.... nobody's answering. I'll write a formal complaint later. So, um, Aries, seeing as I'm here now, I'll take a look at the stars to find out what July holds for you. You know what else is annoying? It's the middle of the year, and it doesn't go dark until late. I have to stay up way past my bedtime just to be able to see the stars. And then I've got to try to focus on them and their positions to figure out what it is that they're trying to tell me. As I was caught unawares this month and wasn't expected to be called up for astrological duties, I don't really have much to tell you. All I've got it this. You will visit a friend's house and get insulted by his pet parrot. "Oy fatty!" it will say. Oh! It can talk...

You often wonder what your pet cat gets up to when you're not in. So this month, you will set up a CCCTV (Cat Closed Circuit Television) system around your house and put your feline under surveillance. You will log into your cameras from wherever it is you go during the day, keeping one eye on whatever it is you do and the other eye on the screen showing you the activity going on at home. At first, nothing untoward seems to happen. Most of the time, your cat will snooze on the arm of your settee, sometimes it'll go into the kitchen and lick its plate, then it'll go back to your settee to go to sleep again. But, around 2pm each afternoon, it will flick on your Smart TV, load up YouTube, find some old videos of Lizzie Webb working out on TV-AM and join in. Then after fifteen minutes of exercise, it will switch everything back off and go back to sleep. At around 4pm, it will recite one of Shakespeare's sonnets. Then it will have a wash and return to its slumber. Yes, your cat has quite a routine, if slightly surreal, existence. But, each to their own as they say.    

Every morning, you will be woken up by a bird tweeting. You really need to start controlling who you follow on social networks, or change your alert settings so you don't get disturbed by their updates. Some people will write any old inane waffle to increase their tweet count and gain extra followers. Caverswall Palace isn't like that. They've posted over 100 hundred tweets, and only have 15 followers. 15 dedicated and loyal followers though. It was 16 but it seemed to go down after my last set of horoscopes was announced. Humph!!! Anyway, I appear to have gone off on a tangent. I really need to stop doing that. So, what's your prediction Gemini? Well, other than the daily tweets that wake you up, you will come to the realisation that, despite having about ten towels in your airing cupboard or wherever it is that you store them, you only ever really use three of them. You use one, wash it, use another, wash it, use another, wash it, and then go back to using the first one. The other seven just sit there. Maybe this month you will decide to address this situation and use some of the towels that haven't been used for a while. Oh yes, July is going to be an exciting month!

It's well known that people born under the sign of Cancer, like yourself, have an irritating habit of claiming that, whatever somebody else has done, you have done it too. Most of the time though, you won't have actually done it, and it is usually pretty obvious that this is the case. You'll get a text from a friend saying, "Just got back from spinning. Totes exhausted!" You will reply, "Yeah, me too. Really dizzy." Another will tell you that they climbed Snowdon at the weekend. You will counter this by comparing it to your weekend's escapades up Everest. While somebody managed to get a joint of beef with 20% off a Tesco, you will manage to get it with 90% off at Asda. A colleague at work will get a letter published in the local paper to complain about rising fuel prices and stuff. You will say you've written a novel that has topped the New York Times bestseller list and is going to be turned into a film. Yes, you have a habit of exaggerating the truth a little bit. Or just making stuff up for no particular reason. It this due to some deep-routed problem that goes back to your upbringing? I wouldn't know, I'm a psychic not a psychologist. Your horoscope for July is to try to be completely honest for the entire month. Of course, this won't be a problem. You managed it last month too, didn't you? And the month before.

According to Venus, the goddess of love, and lady's shavers, for many years you have carried a torch for somebody. Why they can't carry it themselves, you don't know. Just laziness if you ask me. Oh, Venus has just nudged me. Apparently I'm taking the phrase "to carry a torch" too literally. She says that if I don't understand it, I need to Google its meaning. Damn planets and their demands! I'll be back in a sec.

Righty, so according to the internet, you've been attempting to keep the flame alight of an unrequited love for some time. You love somebody who doesn't love you back. Happy now, Venus? Hmmm, apparently she is. I shall continue. So, what to do, Leo? What to do? You could go all nuts and stalk the person who doesn't love you back, but that's more than likely going to get you into bother and not convince them to change their mind. You could attempt to woo them with flowers and chocolates and specially written poetry and puppies. Or you could just extinguish the flame and move on. Yes, you see, sometimes the easiest way of getting somebody to be interested in you is to not show interest in them. They'll wonder what it is that's suddenly made you lose your infatuation with them. It'll drive them crazy. Oh yes, wise advice from the mystic one, I'm sure you'll agree.

This month, there will be a very unusual alignment of the planets. Mars, Earth, Venus and Jupiter will all be aligned in their correct positions. But Mercury, Saturn, Uranus and the other one will align themselves with the Moon. Now it's a well known fact in astronomical circles that such an alignment is unusual. It baffles scientists and astronomers, and could apparently affect Earth's orbit and its tides. In the world of astrology, it also means that something unusual will happen to you. It may just be that you feel like a coffee in the morning instead of your usual tea. Or that you'll walk to work instead of drive. But more than likely, it'll be the day that you notice the end of a rainbow in your back yard and its associated pot of gold. On making the discovery, you will run back into your house, get the family together and call them outside. "Look what we've got outside!" you will shout. "You'll never believe this!" You will then go outside, only to find that the rainbow has vanished, taking the pot of gold with it. The lesson is, if you find the end of a rainbow, grab the pot of gold before it's too late. Hmm... that's quite deep. Meaningless, but deep. I could use it for one of my Deep and Meaningless things with which to spam Facebook. 
 

What? Les Dennis is in Coronation Street? Since when? Last time I watched it, one of Holby City's doctors was setting fire to the Rovers. Anyway, here's your prediction for July. This month things will be tough for you. It'll seem like things aren't fitting into place for you. Could it be that you're trying to be someone that you aren't? Or are you just playing Tetris and struggling? My advice would be not to try to get rid of four lines in one go with the long block, but clear one line at a time with whichever shapes you've got. Then when you've cleared enough and you're closer to the bottom of the screen, attempt to build up again to get a Tetris. If it is that you arent playing Tetris, and you are actually trying to be somebody that you aren't, then stop being that person and be yourself. Unless you're an actor and it's you're job to be somebody else. And as you're a Libra and therefore likely to work in the acting industry, If you go out of character and begin playing yourself, you're likely to lose your job. So, yes. To summarise, only go for a Tetris when you're near the bottom of the screen, be yourself if you're not an actor, or if you are an actor, be somebody else and not yourself. I wonder if Les Dennis will be playing himself in Coronation Street? He could go around impersonating the residents. 

For technical reasons, I was unable to obtain your forecast for July. Please accept my apologies for any incovenience this as caused. To compensate, I have borrowed the prediction for Scorpio from the Daily Mail. I apologise for this too. I have checked it though and it doesn't appear to contain any of the paper's usual hatred for foreigners, people on benefits, women, immigrants, working class people, the BBC, people from Europe, whatever the current government is, Jonathan Ross or Russell Brand. So, it's quite safe to read and won't get you outraged about any of the above. Here it is:

Why do some people do the things they do? Why do they adopt particular attitudes and hold certain opinions? What is it within them that makes them see some things as clearly as the hand in front of their face yet renders them unbelievably oblivious to what's surely obvious and essential? I ask only because I suspect this reflects your own current bafflement at a string of recent developments in your emotional life. Coming events bring at least a degree of enlightenment and with it, oddly, reassurance. For the next 24 hours, there's 20% OFF all birth charts. Give me your date of birth and I will tell you something wonderful about your future. Download your discounted personal horoscope here.

Yes, so there we go. Not quite sure what it's actually saying, but on the plus side, it looks like you can get 20% off your personal horoscope for the next 24 hours. Get it while it's discounted! Actually, come to think of it, the prediction above is clearly describing foreigners! People with different cultures and beliefs! Disgraceful! Can't the paper even keep their agenda out of horoscopes? I really do apologise Scorpio. Next time round, I'll get your horoscope written down as a priority.

Four more horoscopes to write? I'm losing the will to, er, I really should stop writing down my thoughts. So then Saggitarius, what will happen this July? Well, I guess that the sun will be out a few times, and the temperature will be warmer than it is in several other month. There will be a weather front drifting its way southwards but it's not bringing much rain with it so it'll be fairly patchy and light across parts of Wales. There'll be some breaks in the cloud over Northern Ireland and Western Scotland. Temperatures in these areas will remain in double figures. Across much of Northern England, thicker cloud will arrive along with a few spots of rain, but that cloud will help to keep the temperatures up across the South East corner. It'll be dry in Plymouth. The pollen count will be high so those with hay fever may suffer. Three more to go! 

July is going to be a taxing month. You'll receive a letter from the Inland Revenue to advise that you have underpaid your taxes and owe them some money. The letter will come in the form of a P800. Yes, not only are Psychic Jim's horoscopes highly accurate and entertaining, they're also educational. I can't reveal the exact amount that you owe them due to data protection laws, but let it be said that it'll be in triple figures. Now, how you choose to raise the funds is up to you. You could sell your car, the TV set you bought to watch England get knocked out of the World Cup after two matches, some bespoke cards and wedding stationery that you like to make, an old Sega Master System you have knocking about somewhere, or turn to prostitution. Or you could just let the HM Revenue and Customs adjust your tax code and deduct it from next year's earnings. Yes, you'll do that. And the good thing is, you don't even need to do anything. It'll just happen. Amazing!

There's a saying that goes, "Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink." This saying is a line from the poem The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, and is actually "Water, water, everywhere / nor any drop to drink." You lot really are being educated in this set of horoscopes. It's often thought that the saying is due to said old mariner being surrounded by water but not being able to drink any of it. The reason for that being the most commonly accepted belief is largely because it is the right one. In fact, it's a fairly simple concept. If you're out at sea, the water is likely to be salt water, so not really safe to drink. And that will be your prediction for July. If you're going on a boat trip, take a drink with you. It does make you wonder why Mr Mariner didn't think to do the same. I'll have to read the rest of the poem to find out what he did do. Oh my word, it's all because he shot an albatross, gets cursed, and then all kinds of weird stuff happens. Ghost ships, Death, the crew dying one by one. Read it, it's quite an eye-opener.

Last month I alluded to the fact that July was going to be a very exciting month and that June was going to be rather dull. I said that all that would happened in June would be that you have a barbecue. Well, it seems that I got my months mixed up. As you found out, June was in fact a very exciting month, wasn't it? Probably the most exciting for many many years. Oh yes, you know what I'm talking about, don't you? How can you forget what happened on 5th June? And the 11th June was also amazing. And not forgetting the 20th. Brilliant. I'm not even sure if you managed to find time to have that barbecue what with all of everything else that happened in June. Well, seeing as July is actually going to be quite dull, it's quite likely that you'll have a barbecue during it. Perhaps you'll do a bit a salad to go with it, and a few jacket potatoes in the oven. Maybe you'll get a packet of breadsticks and put them into a glass to nibble on too. After the thrills and spills of June, you'll quite like the fact that July is a bit dull. But, wait until you see what happens in August....