Mr. Psychic Jim, being the dedicated astrologer that he is, wrote these horoscopes while sunning himself in Gran Canaria on one merry afternoon in March 2001. Yep, the intense heat, the free-flowing alcohol (all-inclusive holidays are great!) and the fact that the book he was reading was boring him, put him in a bizarre spur-of-the-moment prediction-writing mood. About six hours later, when the colour of his skin was red enough to put a lobster to shame, Psychic Jim held his pieces of paper aloft and said, "Here are the fruits of my efforts!" Unfortunately, owing to the fact that he was probably drunk and had spent most of the six hours giving passing females admiring glances, he had only managed to produce four predictions, and only two of those actually made any sense. Sooooo, he returned to Gran Canaria in September and made up some more. Once again though, he was hampered in his efforts by the fact that he kept wondering over to the pool bar to sample another "local beer or spirit" and the horoscopes he produced were not of his usual high standards, so had to be thrown away. Believing he had lost his psychic powers, Psychic Jim went into hiding, but has now returned to complete the set of predictions below, and publish them as your horoscopes for August 2008. Now that's dedication for you!

ARIES (21st March - 20th April)
Is there anything more horrible than the sight of a sunburnt 70 year old woman walking around topless while smoking a cigarette? Eurgh!!! Horrible! I think there should be a ban on it, or they should have their own segregated area. Hmm, anyway, that doesn't have anything to do with my prediction. It's just something I wanted to get off my chest. Speaking of chests, that girl over there has lovely, ah, erm, ahem. Sorry, I'm getting carried away. Sooooooo, August 2008 - what does it have in store for you? Er... I don't know. I forgot to bring my voltage adapter for my special electronic crystal ball. Oh, I know. I'll shake my "Magic 8" ball around and see what that foretells. Alrighty then, here goes. Its first piece of astrological wonderment is, "It's not very likely." What isn't? The sun coming out tomorrow? A massive volcano erupting under my bed? Prince Charles becoming President of America? Stupid piece of plastic crap. I'm getting the first plane home to Toys R Us and taking it back for a full refund. Hang on! I've just had an idea! Maybe I ask the magic ball a question and it gives me an answer. Cool! Let's try that. First, let's test its credibility. "Is Psychic Jim the world's greatest astrologer?" The ball answers, "Yes, definitely." Wow! Fantastic! Okay, it works. Now for the serious business. Here are five questions and the answers my magic ball gave me. "Will people born under the sign Aries find wealth this summer?" And my ball responds... "It may happen." That's a little vague. Still, it sounds pretty accurate though. Can't argue with it. Second question: "Will Arians find true love this summer?" The answer... "If the time is right." Coo, so don't go looking for true love if it's one o' clock in the afternoon. That's always the wrong time for anything. Righty, third question. "Will you have an alcohol problem during August?" The answer... "Looks like that could happen." Crikey! This thing is amazing, and to think it only cost me £3. I think I might get another and then I'd have two magic balls and have no problems attracting women! This magic ball could solve all my problems! I could get three but, then again, people would think I was a freak, Right, back to the task at hand; writing horoscopes. Sooooo, question four. "Are you likely to get a new job this summer?" And the ball has answered, "Seven." Oh, erm, okay. Maybe it's a surreal answer. It might mean something to somebody. Or it could mean that you'll get seven new jobs this summer. Yes! That's it! Always read between the lines and you'll make sense of the nonsensical! Finally, my fifth question. "Will people born under Aries invent something that will change the world forever?" And the ball responds, "You'll find out soon enough." Humph! I think my ball has given up. You might as well read the Daily Mail stars for a prediction of that standard. Let me just try something. "Ball, is Psychic Jim the world's greatest astrologer?" "No, not by a long way." I knew it. My magic ball has broken. Ignore anything it may have said. It knows nothing. And, because I've gone way way over my world limit for your prediction, you're going to have to spend August 2008 without knowing what will happen during it. Oh well.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Camouflaging your house to deter burglars will have adverse consequences when you drive into it, not realising where it is.

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)
This month, you will decide to take up an outdoor sport. Yep, you'll dig out some clothes you haven't worn for years and make your merry little way to your local golf club to take up the Royal and Ancient game. You'll start by practicing your swing on the driving range, although you'll find yourself more suited to javelin-throwing than golfing as you keep forgetting to hold onto the club at the end of each swing. After semi-mastering the all-important swing and managing to get the ball to go at least three metres forward, you will feel yourself ready to tackle eighteen holes on the course itself. You'll hire out a selection of golf clubs, put on an extra pair of socks just in case you get a hole in one (bum-bum!) and drive up to the first tee in your super-powered golf buggy. Here you will meet a couple of other golfers. Being friendly people, they will ask you if you want to join them so you can have a threesome. Slightly shocked by their kinky ideas, you will take them up on their offer, believing the old saying, "when on a golf course, do as the golfers do." After they've taken their first shots, landing both of their balls on the fairway, it will be your turn to tee-off. Twenty swings later, you ball will still stand on its tee, on the only piece of grass that hasn't been churned up and sent flying around the teeing-off area. Miraculously, on your twenty-first attempt, you will succeed in hitting your ball and getting it ever-so-slightly closer to the hole. Five hours later, when half of the first hole has been dug up and now exists in lakes, trees and and on other holes, you will land your ball on the green. Your partners, having a beach party complete with barbecue and a volleyball net in one of the bunkers, will collapse in shock as you approach them in your super-powered golf-buggy, covered in grass, mud and a sign saying, "Hole One - Par 4" This is where your many afternoons spent playing Crazy Golf at seaside resorts will pay off as you hole your ball on your first putt (Psychic Jim is trying to sound really impressive by using loads of golfing phraseology here). On the second hole, you will tee-off, and manage to hit your ball into a wooded area. As your partners head off along the fairway again, you will walk off sheepishly into the forest in search of your ball. In this forest, you will see a hole in a tree. You will put your hand into this hole, and be sucked into a vortex which will whisk you off to another world. Where is this world? Who knows? Who cares? But, it'll certainly be better than spending your afternoon knocking little balls into holes. So, there you go. Your prediction for this month: You'll be out golfing, get sucked into a vortex in a tree and end up in another world. 

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Unwanted interruptions will feature heavily during the

GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)
Ever been on a safari? Nope? Nor have I (but I'm going on one tomorrow!). This August then would be a good time to go on one. Why is this? Er, because of Jupiter's alignment with, erm, your ruling planet, Pluto. So, grab some safari clothes, hire out a Jeep and drive over to your local jungle safari, whether it be a man-made tourist attraction, your back garden, or the real thing out in the middle of nowhere, where the animals haven't been tamed and locked away from their natural habitat, and you eat whatever the crocodiles don't want. Chase wild elephants on horseback (bet you didn't know elephants could ride horses!) and hunt rhinocerecereercercees, er, rhinos. Oh, what fun it shall be! Man and beast/wife/girlfriend together, alone in untamed lands, the wild wildernesses, the great outdoors. Oh! Behold the greatness of the rich and colourful landscape, the full splendour of, ahem, sorry. Thought I was a poet for a second there! From your safari experience, you will appreciate fully the beauty, and the terror of this great planet, and you'll probably get eaten by a hungry tiger too. But still, it's a once in a lifetime experience, so go for it before Jupiter goes and aligns itself with another planet. 

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A shorter than usual horoscope will be granted to you this month. Not to worry - it'll probably happen next month too.

CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)
It's time to let your hair down and have a party. This is because, owing to some amazing celestial coincidence, all the planets will be in your house around about mid-August. Saturn will arrive first, bringing his own set of discs for you to play. Little Mercury will be there too. He's not usually the party animal type of planet, but he promises to get drunk and throw up everywhere this time round. Venus, always regarded as some sort of Love Goddess, will, at your party, prove that she's really a bit of a tart who'll do anybody who gets her a drink. Halley's Comet says he may make a passing visit. Designated driver, Neptune, will spend his night drinking orange juice, despite knowing that it'll give him the runs on the following day. Pluto, always seen as a bit weird (he's got a different elliptical path to the rest of the planets, I'll have you know), will pass the time playing with himself, um, at chess. Mars will amuse the rest of the solar system with stories of how he keeps getting probed. Uranus will put up with the centuries old jokes about his name ("Uranus is big", "I can't believe the amount of crap that comes out of Uranus," etc.), while, er, what's the other planet? Oh, Jupiter! Yep, Jupiter, being big and scary, will instigate a drunken brawl. This will end when the Sun, known as 'Dad' to the planets, arrives at your house to break up the party and send everybody home. The Sun has an attitude problem, you see, and never gets invited to parties. Got a big head, likes to think he's the centre of the universe and that everything should revolve around him. There's a lesson to be learned there, you know. 

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A smelly drain will be the source of much embarrassment during August.

LEO (24th July - 23rd August)
As Psychic Jim writes this prediction, he is listening to that "Hey-ey Baby, ooh-ah" song for about the 50th time on his holiday and is getting a bit annoyed by it. He's also a bit drunk now and doesn't actually know what he's writing, nor can he read his handwriting for when he gets home and has to type all of this into his computer, nor does he know why's he's talking about himself in the third person. Maybe he's detached himself from himself. Anyway, your prediction... Sometime this month, you will be walking around somewhere aimlessly and notice someone who looks just like Eric from the board game, Guess Who? You'll walk up to this man and say, "Oh my God! You're Eric from Guess Who?" 'Eric' will make his excuses and try to escape, but you will grab onto him and drag him to your home. When he's there, you'll introduce him to your family, who won't have the faintest of what you're going on about. That night, after making sure Eric has been properly fed and watered, you will take him down to your local pub, 'The Four-Headed Swan with Two Necks,' to introduce him to your friends. "Ladies and Gentlemen," you will say, tapping an empty glass with a Swizzle stick, "may I present to you, the one and only Eric from Guess Who?!" Straight after saying this, the entire bar will pounce onto 'Eric', shouting things like, "I want a bit of Eric!" kind of like as if he was Elvis only on a lesser scale. For a few hours, you will be the best friend of everybody in the pub, bringing such celebrity into the usually quiet drinking establishment. However, your new-found glory will come to an abrupt end when, who should enter, but Roland Jefferson, the neighbourhood show-off, to introduce his new friends. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" he will shout. "May I present to you....... Professor Plum from Cluedo!" Suddenly, you and Eric from Guess Who? won't matter anymore. You will both walk out of the pub and part company, Eric going back to wherever it is that board game characters live and you returning home to continue your routine everyday existence. There is, of course, a lesson to be learned from this summer's big event. Yep, that is, no matter how hard you try to improve other people opinions of you, there will always be somebody somewhere who will try to outdo you. It's all about survival of the fittest, or something. 

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Putting the hour back on the clock two months early, just so you're on time for work everyday, will cause a crisis in October for reasons which can't be revealed here.  

VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)
Sometime this August, you will decide to have a snoop around eBay to see what bargains can be had. After all, while everybody else is on holiday, who knows what treasures you may find in the world's online marketplace? Being a bit of a geek, you'll go straight for the computing and video games section, While tempted by the possibility of buying an excellent condition Sega Master System with Hang On and Safari Hunt built in, two control pads and a light phaser, all for the bargain price of £10.50, something else will grab your attention. Yep, you will notice that somebody has put the Internet up for sale on a Buy It Now at £4 with postage at £7. Thinking that the postage is a bit steep, you can't help but dream of the things you can do when you own the Internet. So, you will decide to buy it! A few days later, a box will turn up at your doorstep. Deep within the box, hidden below masses of shredded newspaper and polystyrene Wotsits, you will find a little black box, labelled "The Internet" and a piece of paper saying "Congratulations on your purchase of the Internet. Please leave me positive feedback." You will plug the black box into your computer and notice that, within seconds, you are in charge of the Internet. But, what will you do with it? First, you'll change Hotmail to Snotmail, and pee yourself laughing at it for days. Being a part-time plumber, you will promote your business by ensuring that a link to your website appears first on every search page, even if people are looking for completely unrelated things. For a laugh, you will set the Internet so that it runs at a snail's pace, and disconnects people every two minutes (if you're on AOL, that's probably an improvement). You will change Microsoft's website so that it is all in Wingdings font (there are people out there who speak and write in Wingdings, you know!). You will spam everybody's email inbox to tell them to visit Psychic Jim's website because it's great. Actually, no, don't do that. I'll end up getting it shut down. You'll open a little call centre up for people who want to moan about the Internet. "The internet's not working on my PC," will say a customer. "Yeah, that's because the owner unplugged it to plug his joystick in and have a go of Quake III Arena. He'll plug it back in later when he goes over his mum's for tea," will come the reply from one of your advisors. However, after a while, you will get bored of owning the Internet. Instead, you will wish you'd have bought that Master System instead. You'll unplug the Internet, put it in a cupboard, and spend the rest of your summer watching Big Brother. Maybe, in a few years time, you'll dust the Internet off and reconnect it, but until then, people will simply have to put up with error pages.  

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Eating worms is not a healthy substitute for spaghetti.

LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)
Being a bit of an arty-farty kind of person, you will decide to communicate with everybody this August through the medium of Interpretive Dance. Somebody may ask you how you're feeling, and instead of simply replying with a quick, "I'm fine. You?" you'll burst into dance, not noticing that the person who asked you how you are walked away mid-way through your performance. Ordering a Big Mac and Fries won't be easy as you start breakdancing in front of the person serving you (breakdancing is Interpretive Dance for ordering a Big Mac and Fries, although most McDonalds staff don't know it). The restaurant boss, Big Mac himself, will throw you out of his store. You will swear at him in a short ballet rendition of Swan Lake. One Friday night, you will decide to go out on the pull, and get extremely confused in a night club where everybody around you is dancing. You will constantly be interpreting their dancing. One person will claim to be a horse, another will tell you that the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. Somebody else's dance moves will be interpreted as "Buy me a drink and I'll take you back to mine. The cat is cooking tea, I will be sitting on my shed." Obviously, they've had too much to drink and are talking rubbish. You will take to the dancefloor yourself and have a little boogie. But of course, because dancing is also a means of communication for you this month, every move you make will mean something. A little shake of the hips and a jiggle of the thigh means "Hi everybody. I'm available. My favourite colour is yellow, my favourite film is Hope Floats and my ideal date is a trip to the seaside followed by filth and muck on the beach." Unfortunately, this won't have the desired effect and you will become increasingly desperate to find yourself a partner. A few shots of Southern Comfort (or Soco as they like to call it now) and lemonade later and your inhibitions will be well and truly lost. You'll shimmy yourself up to a potential suitor and show them some of your special moves. "Hey baby," your body will be saying, "why don't you lose your friends and come home with me tonight for some lovin' and some kissin' and a kebab?" Surprisingly, the other person will understand what your dance moves meant but won't be too impressed by your suggestion and slap you in your face. Disappointed that your opportunity to find romance has gone, you will still be pleased that at least one person understood what you were trying to say through interpretive dance. Okay, they probably really thought that you were a bad dancer and didn't like the fact that you were drooling and holding onto them for balance, so they slapped you to get rid of you. But you don't need to know that. Instead, you will decide to hone your technique and practice some more moves so you can try them out the following week. Will it work? Well, you'll have to wait and see, or you can phone my premium rate line to find out.* Calls cost £1.50 a minute, last approximately three hours, and enter you into a subscription service where you will be sent 20 text messages a week at £3 a message. The service can be stopped at any time, providing it is a Tuesday and you cancel it between 11.27am and 11.29am. Details on how to cancel are at the end of the message on the premium rate line.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Have a party to celebrate the return of Psychic Jim's Horoscope and invite all the website's visitors. They both have to be in bed by eleven though so don't pay extra to keep the bar open late for them.

*Psychic Jim doesn't really have a premium rate phone line.  

SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)
One day this August, you'll be stuck at work yearning to get out into the sunshine (if the sun decides to make an appearance this summer). As the sun's rays shine through a window and onto your keyboard, they will reveal a layer of dust and filth strewn across the keys. Shocked and distraught, you will pick the keyboard up, tip it upside down and skate it violently, recalling something you saw on TV saying that there are more germs on a computer keyboard than on a toilet seat. As you vigorously shake your keyboard, the contents of its insides will fall from it - mostly dead skin, dust, bits of food, finger nail - the usual bits of crap that get into a keyboard. But you will be bewildered by some of the objects that have been lurking in your keyboard for centuries. There will be on old £5 note; a bird's nest, complete with birds; a leather-bound signed copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare; somebody's mobile phone, still charged (it's one of those old Nokia ones that everybody once had with the battery that lasted forever. It explains why you've been hearing a phone ringing for years and wondered why nobody ever answered it). Also in your keyboard is a satellite dish, a spare keyboard key with the letter "W" on it, a pair of socks, a candle-lit meal for two and a filing cabinet. But, what will amaze you more than anything else is a dinosaur egg. "Wow!" you will say. "That must have been in there for over 65 million years. The cleaning standards in this place are terrible. I'm going to write to, er, OFCOM, and complain." During your rant about health and hygiene and how a broadcasting regulator can somehow solve the world's ills, you'll hear a cracking noise. You will notice your dinosaur egg opening up and a little dinosaur gradually climb out of it. Believing that your dinosaur may turn purple and start singing songs, you take it home hoping that it will become your own Barney. Instead, you will soon discover that dinosaurs actually get quite big and Derek (your dinosaur) will soon outgrow the kennel you built for him. You will also find out that Derek has a tendency to eat people. Although this may be handy for getting rid of door-to-door salesmen, debt collectors and people trying to impose their religious beliefs on you, it won't generally go down to well with the neighbours. You will decide that Derek will have to go. But do you get rid of a 6 metre-high dinosaur? You will consider a car boot sale, but decide against it due to Derek not being able to fit in your car boot. Selling him to Jurassic park is not an option seeing as it doesn't actually exist. Hmmmm..... how to end this prediction get rid of Derek? "Ah!" you will shout victoriously. You will remember your keyboard at work an how several objects, some larger than the keyboard itself, fell out of it. You'll pop down to PC World, purchase a keyboard and when you put Derek out for the night, you will put the keyboard outside with him, hoping that he'll somehow fall into it. The next morning, you will wake up, look into your back garden and see a keyboard in the middle of the lawn but no sign of Derek. Overcome by guilt and remorse, but not enough to shake Derek back out of the keyboard, you will shed a tear or two for him and decide never to take advice from a TV programme again.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Suddenly bursting into laughter after finally getting a joke you were told ten years ago will surprise any passers-by

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)
This month you will find yourself short of money and will need some desperately to put food on your table and petrol in your car. You don't actually own anything worth selling and don't really relish the idea of getting a job. You will consider the possibility of launching/relaunching a website just for the purpose of putting adverts on it and getting paid money if people click on them, but haven't got the motivation to put the time and effort into putting a website together. Finally you will come up with the perfect solution. You will write a story! Noticing a gap in the schoolboy wizard genre seeing as Ms Rowling has given up on writing Harry Potter stories and keeps her fortune plumped up by suing people instead, you decide to write a story about a young boy who can do magic. But, to avoid infringing on another author's copyright, er, rights, you will call your hero Larry Blotter. He will go to Bogfart's School of Spells, Magic, Business and Finance, and will befriend Ronnie Wheazer and Hermione Grangehill. Your will write page after page after page of the adventures of the tricky threesome, and the battles Larry faces to conquer Lord Volevant once and for all. Well, maybe not once and for all. You may want to resurrect him for sequels. Meybe Larry will slightly damage Lord Volevant in the first story. Not bothering to get a literary agent as you won't want him taking a cut of your profits, you will decide to self-publish your book. You will stock up on a few reams of Tesco Value A4 paper and printer ink for your 3-in-1 printer, scanner and fax (anybody ever tried using one of those as a fax machine? I did once, and then sent an email to see if they got it and then thought, oh!! Email!). Anwhoooow, once you have your completed works completed, you'll call up WHSmiths, Waterstones and Dillons (do they even exist any more?) and book appointments with their buyers to do Dragons Den style pitches. Unfortunately, none of these retailers will won't to sell your story in the shops, believing that a self-published story full of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, with pages put in upside-down, staple holes all over it as you attempted to get the 500 pages to stay together and coffee stains on random pages (although you say this is to give the book an authentic worn look) won't sit too well with the other books they sell. Threatening sabotage won't work either as by doing this you end up getting banned from going within a mile of any of the stores. You call up all the major newspapers to see if any will serialise it. They all reject you, although the Daily Express may reconsider if they run out of free DVDs to give away. The constant setbacks and disappointments will depress you greatly, so much so that your doctor will declare you unfit to go to work and you'll be able to claim benefits. So, not only will your money problem be resolved as you get money given to you by taxpayers, you'll also be able to stay at home and watch Jeremy Kyle everyday! Heaven!

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Seeing yourself on the auditions for The X-Factor will confuse you seeing as you didn't actually audition for it.

CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)
The problem with technology is that when something new comes along, it makes its predecessor obsolete. It's something that has been happening since the dawn of time. The invention of the wheel made the square obsolete, the invention of the telephone made carrier pigeons obsolete, the invention of Smash almost made potatoes obsolete, and the inventions of compact discs and DVDs is making tape obsolete. The realisation of this during the month of August will greatly distress you. Stashed away in a box, you have several videotapes of things you have recorded off the television over the years. One of your most prized videotapes is your compilation of sofa adverts. The tape is crammed full of commercials for companies like DFS (which they now write in lower-case to make them look modern and trendy), ScS (a mix of lower case, upper case AND italics!), Sofa City and the like, advertising sales that must end soon but never do and buy now, pay three times as much in five years time offers. With this tape, you can see for yourself how sofa styles have changed over the last 30 years, although the adverts haven't. You can witness DFS's darkest hour when they had Linda Barker advertising their furniture, at the same time as she was advertising everything else for everybody else (still, at least it's not as bad as mathematical expert, Carol Vorderman, advertising loans for people who obviously aren't as good with numbers as she is). You even have Bruce Forsyth's adverts for Courts before they realised that letting customers pay for their furniture five years after getting it wasn't actually a good business decision. Oh! The hours you have spent building up your collection of couch commercials!. Sky Plussing them just isn't the same. You can't hold up your Sky+ box knowing the treats it has stored on it in the same way as you hold your sofa advert tape aloft. Fortunately, you will discover that modern technology allows you to make back-ups of things and that it is actually possible to transfer contents of videotapes onto DVDs. And what's more, if you do it through a computer, you can edit the video beforehand. Suddenly, you lifelong dream will become a reality. You will be able to produce and direct your own sofa adverts. Well, it will feel like you are producing and directing your own adverts. All you're really doing is putting different soundtracks on them, playing around with clever visual effects and adding text to the commercials with your own made-up neverending sale offers on them. After completing your many mini masterpieces, you will put them all onto DVDs and, whenever people go over your house to visit, you'll treat them to a private viewing of your Couch Commercial Collection Special Edition DVD. You may be slightly confused that after that, you never see any of those people again, but the fact that you can preserve and edit your sofa adverts forever will more than make up for it.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
You find the background on this page so attractive that you will save it, print it out and wallpaper your walls with it.

AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)
Mobile phones - they're everywhere aren't they? Statistically, there are more mobile phones in this country than people (may not be true but saying it makes it look like I've done some research). This is caused by the fact that some people, mainly Scorpios, have more than one mobile so that they can speak to more than one person at the same time. However, Aquariusses, such as yourself, don't own a mobile phone. You believe that they are evil. Mobile phone masts dish out poisonous brainwashing rays. They cause you to panic irrationally when you get close to needing to top up and make you end each sentence, funny or not, by saying "lol". The handsets themselves are an invention of the devil. Play the Crazy Frog ringtone backwards and you'll hear satanic commands uttered by Lucifer (also known as Jamster) himself. Bluetooth isn't a clever way of transferring files from one phone to another. It's a disease that will strike all mobile phone users in 2013. Yes, you'll be laughing, and showing off your pearly whites as you do, at the poor souls crippled with blue teeth in five years time. Those little sim cards aren't a way of connecting to your network. No, they actually transmit secret information about you to the government which they then store on laptops and leave on trains (probably is true). And, memory cards. Need I say more? Oh, um, yes, I need. Well, memory cards. They are slowly absorbing your memories, transferring everything you remember from you mind and into your phone. The idea is that one day, you'll be able to sell your memories to other people. And you know what will end up happening, see as it's from the Daily Mail that you got all this information so it's got to be true, traders on the black market will be selling your memories on the cheap to illegal immigrants! And why do you think that one network goes around saying the future's orange? Well, that's the colour we're all going to turn as mobile phones continue to frazzle away our insides. Vodafone tell us to make the most of now. Obviously they know of the bleak future that lies ahead, especially if we're all going to be walking around being orange with blue teeth and our memories belonging to immigrants. O2 want us to be better, connected (with a random comma to make them look, clever). This is so that, if we're all on one network, it'll be easier to manipulate us. T-mobile, er, I don't know what their slogan is (doesn't say much for their marketing), but whatever it is, it has evil implications. And 3. Well, if you're with them, you probably deserve what's going to happen anyway. Yep, so for you, mobile phones are a no-go area. And next time you're getting off your face in the pub, having a crafty cigarette at the bus stop, or waiting in the queue at KFC for a bargain bucket all for yourself, you'll give people foolishly using their mobile phones an evil glare of contempt and disgust, knowing all too well of the damage that they are doing to themselves.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Building an igloo out of the snow in your freezer will be a timeconsuming and pointless activity but one which you will tackle with enthusiasm and determination.

PISCES (20th February - 20th March)
While walking through a forest on one hot August evening, you will notice a dead tree. At the time you won't really think much of it, but at home later that night, you will remember that dead tree and how it stood lifeless and bare amongst the healthy green trees surrounding it. This thought will sadden you and you will have to make a journey to the 24 hour petrol station to buy a packet of tissues to dry your tears. On the way, an idea for a business venture will begin to formulate in your mind. You will think about how that tree could have been saved and you will suddenly realise what your calling is, the reason why your were put onto this Earth. You will decide to become a tree surgeon. Using your life savings, you will buy some premises to become your tree surgery where you will practice (why do surgeons always practice their job? Shouldn't they have done that at surgery college and be doing it for real after they qualify?). After a grand opening event, you will be sitting in your surgery waiting for your first client. But no trees will enter your establishment. After several weeks have passed, you will have to get rid of Sandra, your receptionist, and run the business single-handedly. Another week will pass and you will be on the brink of closing down your tree surgery for good. But, you will suddenly hear the bell on the reception desk ring. You will run to it and see a little beech tree waiting at the reception. Now, the problem with trees is that they don't talk so they aren't able to tell you what's wrong with them. But, the little beech tree will attempt to move one of its branches and wince in pain. You will realise that the branch is broken. Not wanting to perform an amputation on your first client, you will put the tree's branch in plaster and tell it to go away to give it time to heel. Soon after this first successful treatment, you will see a gradual increase in business and will be able to re-employ Sandra to take appointments. Over time, your business will begin turning a profit, and you will smile with delight as you begin to see queues of trees forming outside your premises before opening time. In the future, you will branch out (ho-ho!) and open more tree surgeries. You may even begin writing self-help books for depressed trees. Inspired by your endeavour, the BBC will broadcast an annual telethon called Trees In Need. You know you will die happy with the knowledge that you have done you little bit to help trees and improve their quality of life. And all this from seeing a dead tree in August this year. And, well, that's it. What a happy ending to this set of horoscopes. Hopefully, it won't be another eight years until my next batch. 

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Suspicious glares from a neighbour's cat will cause extreme paranoia.