The merry month of December is here, and so is his Mystic Holiness, Psychic Jim. For the final time this year, the stargazing one has looked into yonder heavens and has prepared the set of predictions below, aimed at spoiling any seasonal surprises that the celestial bodies have fated to occur sometime before the end of 1998.
ARIES (21st March - 20th April)
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, a partridge in a pear tree. I can't begin to tell you how astonished I was. I still haven't worked out how my postman managed to push a pear tree (with a partridge perched on one of it branches) through the letter box. What is more perplexing is why my true love would want to send ths item. So, when you receive a pair of socks this Christmas, count yourself lucky that you're not having to unwrap six geese-a-laying, ten pipers piping, or a couple of French hens over the festive period.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: When in Rome, go sightseeing.
TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)
Eurgh! I'm watching a scary film at the oment. It's horrible. Quick! I'd better grab one of my crystal balls to see what it foretells. A-ha! I see glitter. Presumably, this is symbolic of the glitter and tinsel and other decorations that will play their traditional part in the Christmas season. However, because my crystal ball is actually a bubble bath container, the bits of glitter floating around in some blue gooey stuff may not symbolise anything at all. I wonder what's happening in this scary film now. Argh! His head's fallen off. Something else has just happened, but I wasn't looking to find out what it was. Right, what's on Channel 4? Coo.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: If you can't see the wood for the trees, get out of the forest.
GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)
You may feel slightly lonely this Christmas. However, Saturn, being in one of his more generous moods, will give you a ring sometime this month. After all, he must be getting sick of being surrounded by rings all day and dall night. The sooner he can get rid of them, the better. At the turn of the year, you will come to realise that your old 1998 calendars are useless and that, unless you want to keep them for sentimental reasons, you'd do well to dispose of them immediately and replace them with 1999 calendars.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Remember: Steps have an album out this Christmas
CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)
Sometime this month, you may switch on the television and see a big, fat jolly man going, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" Of course, this is the Green Giant trying to tempt you into eating some of his Golden Niblets. So, march directly to your nearest super-market and purchase a tin of the aforementioned product. You will find that, whatever effort you put into buying them was well worth the outcome, unless, of course, you don't like sweetcorn, in which case, buying a tin of peas could serve as a suitable alternative.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: The real Santa Claus is only at Debenhams
LEO (24th July - 23rd August)
With you being a Leo, there is a chance that you are also a lion. With this being the case, have you ever considered a career in acting? Historically, there have been many famous lion actors. There's the lion in The Wizard of Oz, another in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, and Simba and Mufasa were lions in The Lion King (quick fact: Simba is African for lion, and also, Hakuna Matata really means 'No Worries.'). Many actors, lion or human, begin by appearing in commercials, so, audition to appear in adverts for Lion bars, then work your way up the career ladder. Soon, you'll be able to pick and choose roles and request huge sums of money.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: This wee's lottery winner will be a man (or a woman)
VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)
As the Clown said in Shakespeare's great play, Othello, "She is stirring sir. If she will stir hither, I shall seem to notify unto her." As any student of Jacobean drama could tell you, this play was all about making tea. In fact, early perfomances of Othello were sponsored by PG Tips, and the whole play was performed by chimps. Of course, that was ages ago, and as an astrologer, it is my job to look forward, not back. Still, in all professions we can get things wrong. So, bear that in mind if Santa knocks over your Christmas tree and sets off your burglar alarm this year.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Keep an eye out next year, but make sure nobody treads on it.
LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)
Although Christmas is the festive season, your glittering personality will still outshine all the tinsel, all the lights, all the decorations and all the candles that all play a part in the seasonal celebration. More merry than Father Christmas after drinking glass upon glass of sherry, and more jolly than Rudolph after sniffing some of the magic dust that makes him fly (which sounds slightly dodgy if you ask me), you'll be the life and soul of every party and the light from which festive joy shall eminate. Right, I'm not quite sure what I'm writing now, so I think I'd better stop.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Watch what you cook this Christmas. Don't put the dog in the oven.
SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)
After months and months of planning, Christmas this year will be totally disastrous. You'll buy your turkey, only to find that it isn't dead, put it in the oven and burn it. Your Christmas tree will go up in flames owing to the poor quality of a set of fairy lights. An entire choir (the one they have on Blue Peter just before Christmas) will come knocking on your door and each member will expect payment of some sort. The Queen's speech will not be to your liking, and Santa Claus will get stuck in your chimney, causing problems of the smokey variety when you light a fire. Yep, Christmas will be terrible. So, instead, stay in bed and wait until Boxing Day.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Santa can't put things in your stocking if your foot's in it already.
SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)
Sometime this month, a jolly man with a big bushy white beard will try to enter your house, either by climbing down your chimney or by using his magic key. Who'd have thought that Captain Birds Eye, having being replaced by a younger captain in the TV adverts, would resort to breaking into people's houses on Christmas Eve in the hope of enticing impressionable youngsters to climb aboard his ship to try his excellent cod fillet fish fingers? What is the world coming to?
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't eat tinsel. You'll get tinsellitis.
CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)
You may feel like kissing somebody under the mistletoe this Christmas. However, kissing this special person under the nose would probably be much more pleasant. If shepherds watch their flocks by night, who watches them during the day? That question may appear to be slightly irrelevant in a prediction, but is it? Well, yes, it is. I wish there were only nine star signs. I always run out of ideas for the last three.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't miss the Queen's speech this year. She talks about Deidre Barlow in prison.
AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)
If you've spent the last twelve months dreaming of a White Christmas, you may be slightly disappointed if, when 25th December arrives, there's not a cloud in the sky and the ground is as sry as the sands of Egypt (coo, that's quite poetic). Panic not though because, what you could do is, next time it snows, stick up some tinsel, write some Christmas Cards and sing a couple of carols, thus making it a White Christmas. Just think, you may be the only person on this side of the world celebrating Christmas in May.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: End the year as you began it. Celebrate the start of 1998.
PISCES (20th February - 20th March)
As 1998 draws to its conclusion, you may decide to reflect. So, grab a mirror and look into it. What do you see? Of course, you should see yourself. If you see whatever is behind the mirror, check that you haven't picked up a piece of glass by mistake. In the mirror, you will see yourself as people saw you in 1998. If you're happy with that, stick with it next year. If, however, your reflection makes you cringe, ask Santa for an empty cardboard box and wear it on your head during 1999.
MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't get drunk this Christmas. You'll be asleep for Noel Edmonds' show.
SELECT A MONTH
- Christmas 2000 - October 2000 - July 2000 -
- November 1999 - July 1999 - February 1999 - January 1999 -
- December 1998 - November 1998 - October 1998 - June 1998 - May 1998 -
- Psychic Jim's Dreams Analysis - Psychic Jim's Prediction Generator -
- Psychic Jim's Medium Wave - Biography of Psychic Jim -
PSYCHIC JIM by JAMES ADAMS
(c) Caverswall Palace 1998