Psychic Jim's Horoscopes

STARS FOR OCTOBER 1998

It's amazing what we can learn from the positions of the stars and planets in the night sky. Every now and then, Caverswall Palace's resident astrologer takes a gander into the heavens to put together his forecast for the next month, for each and every sign of the zodiac. Below are his amazingly accurate predictions for October 1998.

ARIES (21st March - 20th April)

The stars (Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan) tell me that you're going to be in an obscure "Blimey, I could do with a drink of Jif Micro-Liquid right now" sort of mood during October. So, go on, spoil yourself! Don't mix it with Ajax though; it'll make you ill.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: A car with no petrol will not go far.

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)

As a planet, Mercury is lifeless and dull. So too will be your October. So, lock yourself in a room for a month, and only come out when it's all over. A letter will contain information which may, or may not, interest you. It all depends on what your interests are, really.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Without a will, there is no way.

GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)

Communications feature in your astrological chart right now, and so do embarrassing moments. An interpretation of this is that you're going to get your telephone wire tangled around your head. Hee-hee! Your dog may fall ill this month. Take it to the vets.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Christmas comes but once a year.

CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)

Being the sign of the crab, you often associate sand with the seaside. Your crabby nature will be evident this month, with you walking sideways everywhere, and nipping people's toes. Don't let people walk all over you though; you'll feel the consequences.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: The best things in life are not cheap.

LEO (24th July - 23rd August)

Mercury, being in something of a sociable mood, enters your solar house of affairs this month. What that means is beyond me. However, the ingredients in Tizer are beyond me too, so, yeah, I can't think of a way to end this prediction. Tell you what, you think of one. This could be Psychic Jim - Interactive!

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Never go with strangers - not even ones with puppies.

VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)

I seriously think that you should consider buying One For Sorrow by Steps during October. If you don't the stars will gang up on you and make the end of 1998, and the entirety of 1999 a totally luckless and miserable time. You never know, they may not have forgiven you by 2000 either, so take heed.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Seek and ye shall find. Oh yes.

LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)

There is a high probability that your amazing talents and abilities will be on display this month, more so than in most other months. You'll be vibrant, colourful and bright. Maybe that's because you will decide to paint your face the colours of the rainbow during the merry month of October.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: If at first you don't succeed, buy her another drink.

SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)

Old people often say things like "Things were different in my day," and "We were disciplined and had respect for people when we were young," and "Aren't the new 5 pence coins small?" Of course, there's not a lot you can say in response to those sorts of comments but to agree and nod.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: A good portion of chips must be soaked in vinegar.

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)

Mercury, who seems to be getting around a lot in this batch of predictions, will enter you eighth house in the near future, and will be extremely annoyed for not being invited to your other seven houses. However, get him drunk and he'll soon forget about it completely.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Mystic Meg isn't as good as I am.

CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)

For some reason, your dustbin men will be in a really cheerful mood throughout October. Either that is because October rubbish is more pleasant that September's or some old lady has been giving them Happy Pills. Who knows? Who cares? Boots.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: It takes two to Tango. Remember that.

AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)

Whether you like it or not, Mercury (again!) is going to create havoc in your fish tank. He'll steal your fishes' food, and drink their water. However, if you buy One For Sorrow by Steps, maybe he'll be slightly less harsh in treatment of your fish.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't lost your head. It's got your nose, eyes, ears and mouth on it.

PISCES (20th February - 20th March)

What is the point of having a belly button, and why doesn't water seep in through it while you're in the bath? These are two of the many questions that you may find yourself asking yourself in October. However, I could simply be making this all up, and be totally wrong.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Close your eyes and think. Dark, isn't it?

T H I S M O N T H O N L Y!!!!!!

NUMEROLOGY!!!

Numerology is the ancient art of using your date of birth to predict your future, instead of predicting it from using the zodiac sign under which you were born. To do it, imagine that your date of birth is 14th May 1975 (if that is your date of birth, don't imagine) which can also be written as 14/05/1975. Add together each single number in that date of birth. For example, 1+4+5+1+9+7+5. This equals, erm, 32. Now add those two digits together (3+2). Provided you haven't multiplied the numbers by mistake and ended with 6, or even divided them and ended up with 1.5, you should get 5, your numerological number. Next, decide on the month for which you'd like a prediction. Because these are the predictions for October 1998, we'll say October 1998, which is 10/1998. Right, now, add all those digits together (1+0+1+9+9+8), making 28. Add these numbers together (2+8) to give 10, then add those numbers together (1+0) to give 1. Basically, keep adding until you end up with a single digit. Phew! Now, add your numerological number (5) to the 1 and you'll end up with 6. Finally, read the predictions which corresponds to that number below.

1 - Watch out for manholes. If there's one in your way, and you don't see it, you may fall down it.

2 - Buy One For Sorrow by Steps.

3 - You buy it as well.

4 - Watch what you are about it eat. If it moves, consider eating an alternative.

5 - Now is an ideal time to have a bonfire. Do it outside though.

6 - You will find that you will benefit if you walk around for a day with one eye closed. You'll see the difference on the following day.

7 - See 2

8 - See 3

9 - See 7 and 8

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