STARS FOR JANUARY 1999

Although he hasn't totally thawed out after spending several freezing December nights standing in his garden and observing the stars, Psychic Jim, winner of the 1998 award for Astrologer of the Year*, has managed to sit at a computer and type out the following predictions for the first month of 1999. And what fun he had while doing it too.

                                                                                                                                                      ^{* maybe not on this planet}

ARIES (21st March - 20th April)

You will begin the new year wondering whether it'd be a good idea to spend the rest of it impersonating Dale Winton in supermarket queues. I'm sure that whatever conclusion you reach will be the right one. On the financial side of things, I feel that you should stop inserting satellite TV decoder cards into cash machines. You can't get any money out of them by doing so, Mr. Lloyds and Mr. Natwest get upset and have to replace their machines, and Sky lose thousands of viewers.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: He who baths often doesn't smell.

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)

As the saying goes, "Don't take the bull by the horns." Of course, these are wise words, and whoever thought them up should be awarded a medal of some sort. After all, after taking the bull by its horns, what are you going to do next with it? Swing it around your head? Dance with it? Drag it out of its farm, take it home with you and make it watch Neighbours? See! The saying making-up person knew exactly what he was talking about. All of that above holds the key to your prediction for the month. I can't see it, and maybe you can't see it either, but it's there.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH : A bird in the sand is often an ostrich.

GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)

This month, during a conversation with somebody, you may find yourself saying, "Oh, my mind's gone blank." However, if your mind is blank, how do you know that it is? Life is full of many of the absurdities. It is your responsibility during 1999 to rid your own existence of absurdities and to ensure that everything you do, everything you say and everything you know makes perfect sense. Of course, this may mean spending three months in a distant land, surrounded by nothing but sand, but if it brings about a sense of sense in your life, then it'll be worth it.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't stick wrapping paper on your walls. It looks silly.

CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)

Over the past few months, your life has been so hectic that you simply haven't had time to stop for a break. Fortunately, you will get a much deserved rest in January. So, grab a packet of crisps, veg out in front of the TV, listen to some music and have a long soak in the bath. Don't do this all at the same time though. It'd seem pretty odd if you took your bath into your lounge and sat in it while watching TV, listening to the radio and eating crisps, which would probably get soggy when dropped in the bath.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: A person with no teeth often has trouble eating

LEO (24th July - 23rd August)

For your prediction, I'm going to use my carrot cards. Right, the first card has a picture of a carrot on it. This means that you will consume carrots during January. The second card has a picture of a rabbit on it, meaning that you will meet a tall, dark, handsome rabbit this month. The third card has a picture of Death on it (buck-toothed, with rabbit ears and a carrot at the end of his sithe), ironically symbolising the beginning of a new life. The fourth card, which is the all-important "this is the way you whole life will turn out" card, has a picture of, erm, hang on, oooh! The Five of Spades, meaning that I've mixed up my sets of cards.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: ROAR!!! Has that scared you?

VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)

A chance to fly around the world will arise this month. However, before making a decision, look at all the pros and cons. Firstly, is it financially feasible? Secondly, can you leave people behind for long lengths of time without missing them so much that it ruins your trip? And thirdly, won't you arms ache? I mean, flying around the planet is quite a task. After all, the world is a pretty big place, much bigger than anywhere else on earth. And what will you do if you happen to bump into Richard Branson on one of his many attempts to get around the world in his balloon? Hitch a lift? Get out a pin and pop his balloon? Tip up the basket that he's standing in?

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't throw bread down your toilet. Toilet ducks won't eat it.

LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)

As the great philosopher Plato may have said, "Life is like an egg, and I think I've cracked it." As we all know, Plato, just like you, was born at a time when the sun was in Libra. And, just like him and his egg theory, which is actually my egg theory and not his, you have got your life just about cracked. You know exactly what you're doing, and what you want to do, and during January and the rest of 1999, your ambition to rule the world (just like Kate Windswept in Titanic) will become a reality. Fame and Fortune are yours for the taking.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: If you can't read this, you need glasses.

SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)

January's Full Moon, much like December's and February's (although there isn't actually going to be a Full Moon in February; instead we're having two in January and two in March - in other words, two Blue Moons!), erm, let's start again. January's Full Moon, much like December's and, erm, February's, will be big, white and round. In face, it'll be just like a giant aspirin. However, try putting the Full Moon in a glass of water and you will find that it possesses no more similarities to an aspirin than a tin of dog food. It won't fizz and dissolve, nor will it cure headaches and hangovers. In fact, the moon is a pretty useless object. All it does is lights up the night sky, a job which is becoming more and more redundant in this modern age, what with street lighting and suchlike, and provides and landing ground for aliens and other extra-terrestrial beings. It probably does us more harm than it does good.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Wise man doesn't eat contents of hoover bags.

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)

Your baking skills will come to the fore this month when you decide to make yourself an Upside-Down cake. However, problems will arise when you begin getting confused with which way is up and which way is down, culminating in much shouting and swearing. Down, by not defeated, you will then take to the ancient Chinese art of Origami, destroying an entire rainforest just to make yourself paper hats for all occasions. This will soon be followed by a paper house and then a paper shop, from which you will be able to buy copies of The Express everyday.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: I really am psychic, you know. I'm not making any of this up.

CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)

With less than twelve months left to the start of the year 2000, it would be a good idea for you to pop down to your local health clinic to get yourself vaccinated against the Millennium Bug. Because 2000 hasn't started yet, there is no way of telling what illnesses and diseases you could procure if you go into 2000 without vaccination. Your nose could start running and get so far away from you that you'd have to have a new one. You ears could turn into bananas, and your teeth may suddenly begin picking up radio stations.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Want to see what your garden would look like with certain plants in it? Phone a Plant Hire company and hire some plants for a day.

AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)

With Spring fast approaching, it could be advisable for you to consider buying a new pet. Wow! In the field behind my house, there's a stampede of cows. I've never seen cows running before. Maybe they could feature Cow Racing on Grandstand in the future. Anyway, yep, you should consider buying a new pet to symbolise the beginning of new life for the season of Spring. The choice of potential pets is just about limitless: dogs, cats, hamsters, guinea pigs, Rolf Harris, rabbits, fish, cows, goats, elephants, lions, monkeys...

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Why would anybody with a yo-yo want to take it for a walk like a dog?

PISCES (20th February - 20th March)

This month, you may be hit by the Love Bug. I'd advise you to march over to your local police station and report the driver of the former film star for reckless driving. After all, we can't allow people to get away with no consideration or respect of the rights of pedestrians. Also this month, strange noises coming from your attic will terrify you. Only by entering it to go face to face with the noise-maker will you discover that you left your talking Santa Claus on after putting your decorations back, and that he's been Ho-ho-hoing non-stop for nearly a full month.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Read Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. It's great!!!

SELECT A MONTH

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- November 1999 - July 1999 - February 1999 - January 1999 -
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- Year 2001 Predictions -

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