YOUR PREDICTIONS FOR NOVEMBER 1999
Returning from his rather long summer holiday, Psychic Jim is back for another spot of stargazing. How he manages to produce predictions of such astounding excellence time after time after time is just about impossible to conceive, but he manages is somehow. Unbelievable. But, Psychic Jim is just great like that. Soooooooo, without further delay, here are his horoscopes for November 1999.
ARIES (21st March - 20th April)
You will feel the urge and the desire to purchase a dog this month. However, the reason behind this decision is far more sinister than it initially appears. The reason you want to buy a dog is not because you want a canine companion for the cold November nights, but because you absolutely adore dog food. Over the past few months, you have been including tins of dog food on your weekly shopping list and have been purchasing them with neither shame nor difficulty. However, you have been becoming aware of people becoming suspicious of your actions. "Why does he/she keep buying dog food when he/she doesn't own a dog?" they say to each other. For fear of being labelled barking mad (that was my attempt at subtle humour there), you decide that buying a dog will be a great way of covering yourself. However, you still have a long way to go before you can totally cover up your habit. You still have to find ways of explaining why your breath always smells like your dog's, why you seem to have a healthy wet nose and glossy coat and why you always seem to run to the television set and slobber everytime there's an advert for Pedigree Chum on.
Destiny's ambition is to become the next Dr. Who
TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)
The year 2000 is just over a month away, so you'd be well-advised, if you haven't already, to start planning your Millenium celebrations. Are you going to see in the new Millenium with just a few close friends and family members, or are you going to paint the town red with thousands of people you don't even know? If I were you, I'd go for the latter option. The town is in dire need of a repaint and red is the ideal colour for it. However, you could always paint the town yellow, but yellow is something of a tacky colour and usually cheapens things. What about purple? Give it a sort of Seventies look. Purple and orange and loads of squares, then it really will look like something from the age of flares and big hair. Great. And then, when the town has this Seventies look, dress up and play lots of Bee Gees albums. It really will seem like you've entered a timewarp. Groovy. In fact, being a Taurus and thus being easily manipulated, the Seventies influence will have such an effect on you that you will think that it really is 1974. You'll switch on television and expect to see wobbly sets on Crossroads and Larry Grayson telling everybody to "Shut that door" but have to settle for Sunset Beach and Dale Winton addressing the country every Saturday night with such lines as, "Ooooh, I wonder if my balls are going to drop this evening. Come on, start up Guinevere before we run into Casualty." This misbelief that the year is 1974 will last for quite a while. You'll get your hair permed and volumised, buy furry dice for your car (not that there's anything wrong with that anyway - Psychic Jim has furry dice in Monty, his Mystic Motor), and talk about how much easier it was to use money before decimalisation. And then, one day, you'll wake up and the truth will dawn on you, and you'll go into hiding for the next ten years, returning in 2010 to become an Eighties throwback. Sales of shell-suits and hairspray will shoot up.
Destiny plants coins, hoping to grow a money tree with them
GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)
Being the sign of the twins, November will be a month full of pairs. Yep, you'll go around your house and try to find as many pairs as you possibly can. You'll sit in your living room/lounge/drawing room/sitting room surrounded by pairs of shoes, pairs of tights, pairs of trousers, pairs of pants, pairs of glasses, pairs of pens, pairs of teddy bears, pairs of video tapes, pairs of feathers, pairs of gloves, pairs of wires, pairs of bananas, pairs of pears, pairs of jewellry, pairs of staples, pairs of elastic bands, pairs of drinks cans, pairs of owls, pairs of photocopies of your body parts, pairs of scissors, pairs of beer mats, pairs of ink cartridges, pairs of keys, pairs of toilet brushes, pairs of ordinance survey maps of Great Britain, pairs of window panes, pairs of doors, pairs of plyers, pairs of plastic bags, pairs of coathangers, pairs of pet penguins, pairs of Smartie tops (way-hay!), pairs of turtle doves, pairs of pencil sharpeners, pairs of, oh, I'm getting bored of this now and I can't remember what I was leading up to. Aaaarrrggghhhhh!!! Maybe it'll come to me later on. If it doesn't, then this is your prediction for November: You will surround yourself with as many pairs of things that you can find in your house. Exciting, isn't it?
Destiny is going to dye her hair purple in May next year.
CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)
This month will be characterised by, aaaaaaaaargghh! It's happened again. I start a prediction with an idea of what I'm going to say and forget it when it comes to writing it. Humph!!! What month are these predictions for? November? Ah! I'll make up something about fireworks. Did I just say "make up"? Sorry, I meant I'll interpret the positions of the stars as having something to say about fireworks. Hmmmmmm, yes, judging by the position of Jupiter this month (it's somewhere in the sky, next to a white thing which I believe to be a star), I see a Catherine Wheel spinning. Maybe this coincides with the fact that November 5th is Guy Fawkes Day. Bizarre! If you closely watch this Catherine Wheel spinning, you'll probably send yourself dizzy. This, of course, will have hilarious consequences for all but you. You'll walk away, bump into a tree, walk into the bonfire (walking back out of it because it's hot), trip over an umbrella, get back up and walk into a wall, turn around and fall through the glass of a patio door and then, when it's all over, and everyone has collapsed laughing at you, you'll think yourself such a great clown that you'll complete your act by juggling sparklers, burning your hands when you realise that you can't juggle and, judging by the fact that you were stupid enough to watch a Catherine Wheel spinning so closely, you'll probably deserve it. Now then.
Destiny thought she saw Elvis in Tesco last month
LEO (24th July - 23rd August)
This month, you will be introduced to the wonders of the World Wide Web and the internet, or maybe even both. "Wow!!!" you'll think. "This is great!!! Now I can read Psychic Jim's horoscopes whenever I want." On a totally different note, and one which doesn't promote this page, you'll also take an interest in photography during November. Being a Leo and not having the ability to master technology as one of your few skills (which sort of contradicts the whole thing about using the internet, but then again, accuracy isn't really one of Psychic Jim's strong points), learning the art of photography will take quite some time. In fact, it won't be until November 2001 that you will have taken your first proper photo. Between now and then, you'll spend three months taking pictures of your forehead until somebody tells you that you've got your camera the wrong way round, five months putting video tape into your camera, being somewhat confused about the instruction to "Load a film into your camera," seven months taking pictures of your finger, four months taking pictures of light bulbs simply because you don't have a battery for your flash and don't want your pictures to come out dark, and the remaining five months taking pictures of your favourite television programmes because you've got no video tapes to record them onto, seeing as you've put it all into your camera. However, one day, the whole process of taking a photograph will be fully learned by you, and you'll take a wonderful photograph of your cat playing with a ball of wool. You'll run into Boots, wait four hours for your photographs to be developed and do your hilarious impression of Cinderella, saying, "Someday my prints will come." Bum-bum!!!
Destiny believes that all that glistens isn't gold. It could be silver
VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)
By the end of November, you will have had enough of 1999. "I hate this year," you will say to yourself. "It's been terrible. I wish it would just end now." Straight away, as soon as you say that, a genie will appear from a strange-looking oil lamp that you happen to be rubbing at exactly the same time, and will grant your wish. You'll look at your desk calendar (you'll be sitting at a desk while rubbing the strange-looking oil lamp) and notice that the date is January 1st 2000. "Flip me!!!" you will say to yourself. "This is amazing. 1999 has finished!!!" However, you will walk around and realise that missing two months of your life isn't so great. "What the hell has happened in Coronation Street? Why am I living in a cardboard box? Why do I have my desk in a cardboard box? Why am I rubbing a strange-looking oil lamp? Who put this tattoo on my forehead? Why am I pregnant? (if you're male, this will confuse you even more.) Who had the Christmas Number One? Why is everyone walking around in shirts with 'We've landed on Mars!' written on them? When did America undeclare its independence from the UK? Why is everyone speaking Welsh? Where am I? Who am I?" You'll soon come to realise that you really can't miss two months of your life and continue things normally. So much can happen in so little time. In fact, you wouldn't believe what has been happening in the real world while you've been reading this. China has just declared war with Japan.
Destiny has twelve pickled onions everyday for breakfast
LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)
If you were to write a list of your favourite months of the year, I am pretty sure that November would be one of the top twelve. You love November. And, fortunately for you, November loves you back. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that November is only a concept and doesn't actually exist physically, it'd probably want to get married to you. Furthermore, you are so sure of its love for you that you will break any existing romantic ties with anybody in your life and await November's proposal of marriage. However, you will be sorely disappointed to discover that November is a vicious back-stabbing, two-faced, two-timing month and also has a soft spot for those born under the signs of Sagittarius, Virgo, Aries and Scorpio. November is only after one thing, you see, and once it has got it, it'll be off after the same thing from another person. My advice to you would be to keep away from Novembers in future. They're nothing but bad news.
Destiny is linked with the letter 'D' (possibly because her name begins with that letter)
SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)
There's a pretty good chance that if it wasn't your birthday last month (in October), it'll be your birthday this month. I know this because I'm psychic. And, because I'm psychic, I also know that you will lose the keys for your car this month while doing a spot of early-ish Christmas shopping. After a thorough search of your pockets and your bags, you will decide to retrace your steps around town, doing everything in exactly the same order as you first did them. This includes buying everything that you've already bought again, requesting the same person to serve you, just in case this will make any difference. You'll eat at the same places, drink the same drinks, walk past the same sets of underwear in Marks and Spencers and throw money at the same beggers on street corners. You believe that by doing this, you'll surely come across your keys somewhere. However, this will be to no avail. You'll complete your second bout of early-ish Christmas shopping by returning to your car and say, "Damn and blast!!! I've lost two sets of keys now!!!" Erm, make some sense of that yourself. I can't.
Destiny is taking evening lessons in Spanish and Cookery
SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)
This month, you will develop an interest in jazz music after walking into a music shop and playing some random notes on a piano. You'll tune all your radios to Jazz FM, form a jazz quartet, talk to everybody in a gentle, soothing way and sign up for a year's membership at Jeronimo Jim's Jazz Club. Your quartet will stun the world as it plays the jazz circuit in pubs and clubs up and down the nation. Being a jazz musician, your piano-playing doesn't necessarily have to be melodic. It doesn't even need to keep time with the drummer, which is slightly lucky because your drummer, being a jazz drummer, will have no sense of time at all and just bang drums whenever he/she feels like it. The only drawback to this whole jazz lifestyle is the fact that you can't seem to get hold of any jazz magazines anywhere. Everytime you ask for one in WHSmiths, you will be given a look of disgust and get asked to leave the shop and go elsewhere for your filth. Obviously, there are some people who simply don't understand culture.
Destiny had five days off work a few weeks ago after her Chinese doctor said she'd got lice in her hair. She returned to work when she discovered that it was actually rice.
CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)
You will run to your local doctor this month after panicking about not being able to hear things in stereo. Yep, for some reason, a switch in your brain will flick your ears over to mono sound. At first, the novelty of the situation will amuse you. But, despite both ears working just as well as each other sonically, the bizarre stereo-lessness (that word really does exist!) of your audio abilities will cause you much distress. Somebody will say something to you, and you won't have a clue which direction the voice came from and look around appearing totally lost. Waiting at a railway station, it will only be when the train is right in front of you that you know in which direction it is travelling. During a moment of intimacy, somebody may whisper sweet nothings into your ear, but you won't know in which ear it was whispered. Okay, maybe you'll be able to see what side the other person is sitting, but that destroys the whole point of this prediction, not that this prediction actually has a point. So, what has caused this problem? Condensation. Lying in bed one night, asleep, your pet dog will have been watching you from the side, and panted so much into your ear that condensation from his breath has built up. As any doctor will tell you, condensation in the ear is the main cause of mono hearing abilities. All you need to do is wipe out your ear with a clean duster and you'll be fine. Hmmmm, that prediction was a bit monotonous!!!
Despite having three toes on each foot, Destiny insists that she isn't a duck
AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)
This month, you will be the host to some visiting dignitaries, choosing your home out of thousands of others as a stop-off point for their whistle-stop tour of the world. Especially for their visit, you'll put the hoover around, purchase one of those air fresheners that you plug into a socket and rent some flora and fauna for your abode from the local plant hire company. However, when Mr. and Mrs. Dribblebottom-Smythe arrive at your home, things will go drastically downhill. "Excuse me," Mr. Dribblebottom-Smythe will say on arrival. "Can you tell me where the gent's cloakroom is? I had a little too much brandy on the way here and think my bladder's going to explode." You will look at Mr. Dribblebottom-Smythe in disgust at the idea that he wants to use your cloakroom as a toilet, but direct him there nevertheless, believing his obscure action to be a custom of the upper classes. At the same time, Mrs. Dribblebottom-Smythe will be rooting through your kitchen. "Excuse me," she will say upon seeing you. "Do you have crabs?" You will find this question rather rude, but answer it honestly, believing it to be improper to ignore the question and attempt to change the subject. Later, Mrs. Dribblebottom-Smythe will attempt to be one of the commoners by offering to make everyone a cup of tea. However, being used to having things done for her and not having much of an idea of how to make tea, she will cut open a handful of tea bags and tip the contents into your kettle, add water and boil it. After a couple of hours of offending you and abusing just about everything in your house, the Dribblebottom-Smythes will bid you farewell and invite you to their house. And, this time next year, you will go there, and your prediction for November 2000 will give details of the visit.
Destiny wants Psychic Jim to reintroduce his "Messages of the Month"
PISCES (20th February - 20th March)
I am often asked by people all over the world why my predictions are sooooooo specific. How come I manage to give so detailed details of what is going to happen during a month? Already this month, I've talked about how a person will buy a dog to cover up the fact that he/she likes eating dog food, and I've given details of a person watching a Catherine Wheel spinning and making him/herself dizzy. The reason for this is simply because I'm great, the best astrologer in the world. So, seeing as I'm an astrologer, I'd better write something here that sort of resembles a prediction. This month you will, um, what will you do? Oh, you'll get a pencil stuck up your nose. Why you do that is beyond me. I'm a psychic, not a mindreader. For some reason though, you'll get a perverse masochistic thrill out of this and stick another pencil into your other nostril. "Hmmmm," you will think (although me knowing that you will think this sort of contradicts what I've just said about me not being a mindreader). "I wonder if I can get anymore pencils up my nose," you will continue to think. You'll run around your house, although not too fast for fear of tripping over and puncturing your eyeball by knocking one of the pencils further up your nostril, and gather together all the pencils you can find. You will then put as many of them as you can up your nose. After getting 43 pencils in your two nostrils, you will phone the Guinness Book of Records people to inform them of your momentous achievement. However, what Mr. Guinness will say will not be to your liking: "I'm sorry, you freak. We don't want to encourage people to cause possible physical damage to themselves by misusing the orrifices of their bodies. Therefore, we will not be publishing your achievement. Besides, I can get 52 pencils in my nose, and some man in America has managed to insert 86 into his." Americans, eh? When will they learn?
Destiny gives her arms love-bites when she's bored
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