Your Horoscopes for June 2014

You often wonder what the point of life is. Why are we here? What is our function? What is it that we're expected to do with the relatively small number of years that we exist on the planet that we call Earth? What is the purpose and meaning of it all? Yes, you have these deep thoughts every now and again. Not often though. Most of the time you think about what to have for tea, whether to walk or drive to the shop, how long it'll be until Katie Price has married and had kids with each man in Britain and when your next mobile phone upgrade is due. This month though, you won't think of much at all. Instead you'll just do stuff. You know what they say, "It's better to do than to think." Problem is, you'll do stuff without thinking about it. You'll decide to begin painting a wall bright yellow, try to reorganise your kitchen cupboards, start giving yourself a new haircut. But, having not put any thought into these activities beforehand will result in them not going exactly how you'd like them to go. I would list the results of these unthought-out activities, but it'll be far more exciting for you to find out for yourself.

You're often accused of being a shellfish. Quite why, I don't know. I'm an astrologer, not a, um, antagonist. You really don't know what it is that makes people think that you're a shellfish. You don't often smell like a shellfish, and you don't appear to have an exoskeleton. You don't look like a shrimp or a lobster or a crab. In fact, if there's any star sign that could be classed as a shellfish, it'd be Cancer, which is a crab. This month, you will attempt to find out why it is that people think that you're a shellfish. You'll send a message to one of your friends on Facebook, and casually ask them if they think you're a shellfish. They'll reply that they don't, and mention that that's the first thing you've ever said to them since you both left school, even though you've been friends on Facebook for the last five years but never interacted with each other on it. You'll ask people at work, but they'll just look at you with bemusement and get back to whatever it is they do. You'll pick up the phone and, er, hang on. I've made a booboo. Apparently people don't accuse you of being a shellfish. They accuse you of being selfish. Ah! My mistake! Sorry. 

I once worked for a company that had a computer system called Gemini. It was used for managing customers' accounts. Now then. It's not relevant to your prediction for this month but I thought I'd mention it anyway. So, what is your prediction for this month? Well, you'll be at work managing customer accounts on a computer system you use. Hmmm, that's a bizarre coincidence. It appears that my random ramblings about where I once worked are in fact relevant to your prediction! Well I never! So you'll be managing customer accounts on a computer at work, even if your job has nothing at all to do with managing customer accounts, and you'll come across an account belonging to your next door neighbour. Now, you get on quite well with your neighbour although you don't know them that well. This is your chance to find out more about them. What dirt is stored in their account about them? Well, it turns out nothing. Just the fact that they pay a direct debit of £21 once every six months for a subscription to Digital Photographer magazine. It's a bit of a let down really. A bit like this prediction. 

You're often accused of being selfish. You're not sure why. You'd understand being accused of being a shellfish, what with being a crab, but not selfish. Oh well. This month, being June 2014, it's the World Cup. Now, you're not a particularly big fan of football but you don't mind getting behind your national team for the quadrennial festival of football, or soccer for our American viewer. You don't really understand the rules of football. You get the idea that the aim of the game is for players to kick a ball into a goal, but the rest of it just doesn't make much sense. What's a free kick, a penalty, a throw-in, a corner, a foul? And you don't want to even get started on figuring out what off-side is. Now, it's all well and good not really knowing what's going on - heck, most people watching cricket haven't got a clue what's happening - but constantly asking for a explanation for things while watching a match won't go down well. And cheering at the wrong time will definitely not be a good idea. In fact, in some circles, especially in pubs in Stoke-on-Trent, it could be quite dangerous. The best advice from me would be for you to follow the majority. They cheer, you cheer. They jeer, you jeer. They recommend optical treatment for the referee, you recommend the same optical treatment. It's what most people do anyway.

Oh Leo. We go back many years, don't we? Remember that time sixteen years ago when I predicted for June 1998 that you'd eat some Birds Eye Fish Fingers? I most certainly do. Oh yes, that was a memorable time. I was, er, what was I doing back then? I mean apart from forecasting that you'd eat some fish fingers? Ohhh! I remember. Yes, so, fish fingers? Did you actually end up eating any fish fingers back in June 1998? I'm sure you did, but there's nothing wrong with me checking. It's not that I'm questioning the accuracy of my predictions as the very fact that I've been given the title "Britain's Best Astrologer" means that my predictions are of the highest accuracy. Call it a kind of follow-up, after-sales courtesy care sort of service. I think I may start contacting previous readers of my horoscopes just to verify exactly how true my forecasts were. I'll start with you Leo. In fact, you can contact me. Let me know, via whatever ways Caverswall Palace provides to reach out and interact with them, whether you did eat fish fingers in June 1998 or, if not, what you were up to instead. I'm sure they have something at the top of the screen that'll do it. Some woman called Ann managed it. She ranted about this website. Obviously not about the Psychic Jim section though, but a section about Caverswall's famous castle, Caverswall Castle. Apparently she thinks this site is a "stupid web sight" and is responsible for the castle being refused permission to be used as a wedding venue! Crazy lady.

It's getting hot, so now would be a good opportunity to show off your beach body. Well, possibly not exactly now. For all I know, you might be reading this while sitting on a train, or in some sort of meeting, or in a coffee shop or something. And definitely not if you're in a supermarket. Nobody wants to see anybody walking around Asda in their trunks or swimming costume. Well, maybe in Asda where it's the norm. But not in Sainsbury's or Waitrose. Oh no, most definitely not. The best time to show off your beach body would be if you're on the beach. So, head to a beach and get showing it off. That is all.
 

Being the sign of the scales, you like a balanced existence. If you eat something hot, you then need something cold. If you get somewhere late, you'll leave it early. If somebody pays you a compliment, you insult them. Yes, balance, that's the way to be. But sometimes, the scales get tipped too much and it's just not possible for you to redress that balance. So you take things to extremes. Somebody will offer you a fruit pastel sometime in June. You'll take one, with the intention to offer them something later. But, they'll offer you another, and then another. The scales will have tipped too far. You'll take the two fruit pastels but then snatch the whole packet and tip the entire tube of them into your mouth. You'll be watching TV and be asked to turn up the volume. You'll nudge it up by one. "I still can't hear it," will be the requester's comment. So you'll do another nudge. "A bit more," they will say. You'll then whack the volume up to the max and sit there with the sound blasting from the speakers at such a volume that it'll register as a 3.5 earth tremor, peel your eyelids back and throw you to the back of your settee, shattering all of your crockery and shedding your cat of its fur. Ever wondered why the person in your office who likes three sugars in their tea never accepts one from you when you offer to make it? They end up with twenty. Or why all your plants are dead from over-watering? It's all about balance, or lack of it. And your mission for this month is to try to keep things balanced.  

You have always wanted to join the police force, but you've never really had the bottle to get out there and sort out the trouble makers. You'd much rather uphold the law from the comfort of your living room. And now's your chance. In their quest to raise the general level of literacy of this great nation and clean up the internet at the same time, Cameron and Clegg's latest bright idea is to introduce a new branch of the police force - the Grammar Police. The Grammar Police's task is to loiter around websites and forums and correct people's grammar and incorrect use of their mother tongue. They'll be there to point out when "there", "their" or "they're" has been misused, and to advise that it's "could have" and not "could of." They'll also reposition apostrophes, ridicule spelling and rejoin split infinitives. But the Grammar Police don't exist simply to raise awareness of the laws of the English lanuage. They are also able to enforce it. Three strikes and you get an on-the-spot fixed penalty fine. Five strikes and you're banned from the internet. Psychic Jim is already on his final warning. Unfortunately for you, you won't get the job in the Grammar Police. After taking one look at your semi-literate tweets and Facebook updates, you won't even get past the first stage of the application process.

The Sun and Jupiter will change positions this month. This change of cosmic focus will open doors you had forgotten existed. Such as the door under your stairs that leads into your garage conversion. "Oh my goodness!" you will exlaim. "I'd forgotten we'd had that done." You will go into the garage conversion and find some old trinkets and junk that you've had for years. You've been meaning to sort through them for a long time but just shoved them in a room with the intention to come back to it another day. And that day will come in June of this year. Amongst the usual stuff - The Beano Book 1989, a tea towel with drawings of your school classmates on it, tea cups that you get with Easter Eggs, fiddly little trophies just for taking part in something or other that you didn't win, a furry Comic Relief red nose and a Sega Master System - you'll find something you've been looking for for years, something you'd thought you'd lost, never to be seen again. It's only your Cycling Proficiency certificate. Since it went missing, you've refused to get onto your bicycle, partly because you didn't have proof of your proficiency of cycling, but mostly because you thought it was a legal document, a bit like a driving license. Now you've got it, you can get back onto your bike and show the world just how proficient at cycling you really are! Happy days!

If you take a look in the mirror, what do you see? You should see your reflection. But it's not your reflection that matters. It's what's behind the reflection that's important. And what should be behind your reflection should be whatever is behind you. If it isn't, then you're possibly looking through a window. Now, of course, it isn't an astrologer's job to point out the obvious. Instead it's our job to interpret the meanings of what initially appears to be obvious. To reveal the hidden message. To discover the deeper explanations. And I have to say that I'm struggling here. I'm really not sure what the stars are trying to tell me. Basically, you're either looking through a mirror or you're looking through a window. It's a mirror if you see yourself, a window if you don't. I just can't figure out what is lying between the lines. There's got to be some metaphor, some significance. But what is it? Gah! I give up! Try me again next month1

Many years ago, you joined an online dating site, partly out of curiousity and partly for a quick and easy fu, er, fling. You didn't really take things too seriously due to other stuff going on in your life at the time, but you did receive one email from somebody who liked what they saw. Your only correspondance was to reply with, "Hi, you look kinda cute too." And that was it. You haven't returned since. Until now when you decide to log into the email acount you had back then and discover that you have over 3000 unread emails, all from the same person, pretty much one a day. You'll browse some of them and discover that your match has been having a relationship with you for the last ten years. Nothing too scary, in fact most of it is quite sweet. You've been sent poems written from the heart, promises to be held forever and protected, good old-fashioned romantic gestures. Never a bad word written, never a diminishment in the level of love shown to you. After reading through each and every email, you wlll be smitten, you heart will have melted and you will find yourself head over heels in love. You will respond to the most recent email, containing the words "I will love you and cherish you forever, body, mind and soul, my one, my only, my sweet true love." In your reply, you will apologise for never replying, write about how touched you are by the years of unrequited love, and promise to be there eternally. The response will be somewhat surprising. "Woah! I preferred you when you were quiet. Don't pressure me. I can't cope with this, it's all too intense. We're over. Never write to me again." Despite never really knowing this person who has been having a relationship with you for ten years, and having only known about it for a short time, you will feel a strange sense of loss and heartbreak. And the lesson is, don't join online dating sites unless you mean it. Or always check your email. Or there are nutcases everywhere. Or, well, there's loads of lessons. Just pick one and learn it.

Seeing as I went well over my word limit for Aquarius, I'm going to have to keep things short for you, Pisces person. Fortunately, the stars and planets don't really have much in store for you this June which will make my mission to keep this prediction short all the more easy. More easier? Easier? In fact, the only thing that they have planned for you is a barbecue on one sunny weekend. It's not even a particularly exciting barbecue. Just your usual typical run-of-the-mill cook a few things on the barbie while it's warm outside regular kind of barbecue, instead of cooking things in your kitchen. Yes, you shall have a barbecue. I would list the things that you're going to cook on it, but apparently that wouldn't be very interesting. Now, although June is going to be quite dull, July is looking particularly interesting. Extremely interesting actually. You'll just have to hope I do a set of predictions for July to find out what that interesting occurence will be. Or wait for it to actually happen to find out for yourself.