Psychic Jim's Predictions for February 1999

Your Predictions for February 1999

Despite rumours, threats and promises that January's set of predictions were to be his last for a while, the Clairvoyant from Caverswall, Psychic Jim, couldn't resist the temptation to get out his equipment of the prediction-making variety and put together another set of horoscopes. And, here below, are the results. Aren't they excellent?

ARIES (21st March - 20th April)

The news that there will not be a full moon this month will be too much for you to take. You will sink into the deepest of deep depressions and become a social recluse, locking yourself in a room for the entire month, and having food, drink and other necessities of life pushed under the door. When you return to the world of the living in March, people will be both surprised and impressed by your newly grown bushy beard and mustache, even more so if you happen to be female.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't go to work in your pyjamas

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)

Pluto's entry into Uranus this month, which will make Mickey Mouse extremely jealous and annoyed, will cause you to ask yourself questions of a strongly personal nature. Firstly, for example, were Take That singing about their sexual problems when they released their hit single, "It Only Takes a Minute, Girl," and secondly, is Judy Finnigan's "We Can Work It Out" show a programme all about people with constipation? Blimey! Those stars in the sky are very explicit this month.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Look out for low-flying aircraft

GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)

After a night of steamy passion, I'd advise you or your partner/wife/girlfriend/mistress/bit of crumpet to take a pregnancy test as soon as possible. Providing you or she prepares well, ensuring that all the ins and outs of pregnancy (hmmm...) are known, you or she will enter that examination room, answer all the questions confidently and correctly and pass your pregnancy test with flying colours. After that, you can do the same with your driving test. It's all a matter of preparation. And, oh, that's it then.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: There's no future in time travel

CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)

Looking at the new two pound coins, as I often do when I'm bored (not that I'm bored now), I believe that the pattern drawn on the gold bit of the side that hasn't got The Queenie's face on it, was done using an amazingly small spirograph thingy. Being something of a sad individual with no life, you (not me!) will want to buy one of these teeny weeny spirograph sets, just so that you can make your very own two pound coins and sell them outside Woolworths, shouting: "Four for a pound of two pounds," or something similar, confusing any passers-by. However, remember, forgery is a crime and trying to purchase things with funny money or chocolate coins will probably land you behind bars. Still, there's nothing wrong with working in a pub.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: The windy days of February can be cured with Rennies

LEO (24th July - 23rd August)

You will be in something of an angry and aggressive mood this month, owing to the awkward and tense activities in space. Yep, your governing planets and stars are fighting. In fact, looking at them right now, I'm watching my very own private screening of Star Wars! Ha-ha! Bum-bum! Hee-hee! Har! Ahem.... Anyway, you are going to be in a right mood in February, going into a strop over the slightest thing and being in a cob for all twenty-eight days of the month. You will see everybody as getting on your wick, which apparently can be very painful. The only thing you can do is treat February as if it were a cloud and let it pass. That is unless you have a bizarre hobby of catching clouds and bottling them.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: A message written in Chinese could lead to confusion

VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)

If my calendar is correct, it will be Shrove Tuesday sometime this month, giving you the perfect excuse to do a spot of pancake frying and tossing in the kitchen. Hmmmm, yes. Um, anyway, yep, after your pancakes have been fried and tossed, you'll place them on your plate only to discover upon opening you cupboard of condiments that you have no Jif Lemon Juice. Fear not though, because there are two perfectly suitable possible substitutional alternatives: Jif Micro-Liquid, or Spar Lemon Fresh Washing-up liquid. Both have a slightly soapy taste to them, and may result in you burping bubbles for a couple of hours afterwards, but they save you the hassle of popping down to Tesco while your pancakes go cold.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Don't confuse the bleat of a sheep with the ring of a telephone

LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)

Being the sign of the scales, you'd expect your life to be a fairly balanced, even existence. But, no, your life is as far from being balanced and even as possible. It's a fun-filled, action-packed, roller-coaster ride of a life, full of nothing but activity and notable events (just like Caverswall Palace's Internet pages). Well, that is apart from February which will come as something of a disappointment. Following years of amazement and entertainment, you will melt away for a month in February, leaving everybody around you in total bewilderment, themselves trying to work out what has happened to their Libran friend.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Modern art: that's a thing of the past, isn't it?

SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)

The alignment of the planets from mid-February suggest large amounts of family tension. This tension will come to a head when you decide to put yourself up for adoption. Your new mother, despite having warts on her lips and armpits hairy enough to make any man jealous, will, by a bizarre twist of fate, be married to a ladder. You will get on well with your new stepmother and stepladder, but will pine for your old parents, returning home only to find your mother sucking a Fisherman's Friend while your father is getting rat-ars, erm, inebriated in the pub; occurrences that will seriously warp you for life.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Losing your marbles in a lift/elevator isn't a good idea

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)

This month, you will be mystified by a box. There you go, that's your prediction. Sorry it's short. It's not my fault that the planets don't have much planned for you in February. I begged and pleaded with them to make February an interesting month for Sagittarians, even to the point of offering to do their washing and attempting to bribe them. However, stubborn as they are, they remained firm and solidly resisted me. They did consider giving you a lottery win, but changed their minds at the last minute. Apparently, they're not having a good time at the moment. The sun's spots are worse than usual this month, and he wants to make sure that the whole universe knows about it. He can be annoying like that at times, the sun can.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Flying pigs - they're everywhere! Watch out!

CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)

It's Valentines Day this month, yet you'll have the problem of having nobody wanting to send you any cards. So, send yourself some, and to make it all the more authentic, send them from different parts of the country so they don't all carry the same postmark. And, just think, while you're out on your travels, you may meet the man/woman of your dreams. However, he/she may be put off by the fact that you love yourself too much. After all, sending cards to yourself, especially from various parts of the country, is a pretty obscure thing to do, and something that even I wouldn't consider doing.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Hmm, this is difficult. In the original, printed-out on paper and distributed to people I know version (with pictures and everything), the Message of the Month is "Visited Caverswall Palace's web-site yet? I think you should." However, of course, with this being Caverswall Palace's web-site, advising you to visit it would be pretty odd. So, tell you what, you can be the privileged sign that doesn't have a Message of the Month.

AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)

During a shopping trip in February, you will look into a shop window and, as you do, butterflies will start fluttering in your stomach, your heart will begin beating faster, your temperature were rise, your eyes will dilate and your mouth will fill with froth. Yep, you will fall madly in love, run into the shop and ask an assistant to introduce you to the object of your affection. "But, it's a shop dummy," the assistant will say, "and you can't remove it from our premises." Disappointed but determined, you will visit the Mannequin from Marks every day, lavishing it with gifts and holding its hand for hours at a time. You will think nothing of the fact that it wears a wig, never stops smiling, doesn't talk and can't even dress itself. However, things really will cross the boundary from normality to obscurity when you publicly announce your engagement to the dummy. But, how will you react when, walking into the department store on your wedding day, you see your dummy gazing lovingly non-stop into the eyes of a shop dummy of the opposite sex? You'll pull it apart and rearrange its body parts, that's what you'll do.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Raise the Titanic. Throw loads of Viagra into the Atlantic Ocean

PISCES (20th February - 20th March)

This month, being shorter than other and therefore abnormal, you will get abducted by aliens. They will take you away as you sleep deeply, and place you on a table in their spaceship orbiting the earth. Here, they were prod, probe and poke you with various objects classed as illegal here in the UK. Then they will take out your brain, and, using either Blue-Tak or double-siding sticky tape, stick something onto it. After replacing your brain, they will put you back to bed on earth and you'll awake the morning after thinking that the whole ordeal was simply a dream. After a few weeks however, people will believe you to possess evil forces after witnessing you conversing with cereal boxes, changing traffic lights by blinking, and frying any animals that are within a ten metre radius of you.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH: Smoking pipes is dangerous; especially lead ones.

SELECT A MONTH

- Christmas 2000 - October 2000 - July 2000 -
- November 1999 - July 1999 - February 1999 - January 1999 -
- December 1998 - November 1998 - October 1998 - June 1998 - May 1998 -
- Year 2001 Predictions -

- Psychic Jim's Dreams Analysis - Psychic Jim's Prediction Generator -
- Psychic Jim's Medium Wave - Biography of Psychic Jim -

PSYCHIC JIM WILL RETURN LATER THIS YEAR WITH MORE PREDICTIONS

PSYCHIC JIM by JAMES ADAMS

21st January 1999 / 19th February 1999