Your Horoscopes for October 2012
Psychic Jim has been very busy this month. Not only has he
decided to give his little website a revamp and gone over the top on glowy
blue colours, he's also found time to have a look at the skies and discover
what the stars therein foretell for the month of October 2012. And here
are their foretellings. Crikey!
About twenty or so years ago, Bart Simpson uttered the famous phrase,
"Don't have a cow, man." Or it might have been the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Anyway, you have never had the need to say these words. This will all
change in September when some bloke tries to give you some beans in exchange for
your cow. It's something to do with Jupiter going retrograde and thinking it's
1990, or something. Despite not having a cow, you offer to exchange your Renault
Clio for the beans. The bean-selling man accepts and furnishes you with a bag of
beans. Now, these are not just any old beans. No, these are M & S beans. Just
the same as beans from other supermarkets but more expensive and with more
ethics. Probably corn fed or dolphin friendly or fairtrade. Who knows? You
will plant the beans, expecting a beanstalk to grow and take you to a mysterious
giant-inhabited castle in the sky. However, you will be disappointed when you
discover that your bean plant grows to no higher than your back yard's wall. And
it doesn't produce many beans either. Well, what did you expect? Planting a bean
plant in October? Honestly.
An angry dog will walk into your house this month. He isn't happy. You're
not sure what he's not happy about, mostly because you don't talk dog, but he
will spend the month while resident in your house being miserable and grouchy.
No matter what you try to do to make him less angry, he will just snap at you,
turn his back on you and sulk. Being a Taurus, which is really of no relevance
but I'll mention it anyway to make me sound more like an astrologer, you don't
like animals taking out their frustrations on you, especially since you are
generally an easy-going person with a lot of patience. However, the angry dog
will push your tolerance to its limit. On one particular day, without warning,
you will march up to the dog, go forehead to forehead with it, and demand that
he tells you what his problem is. Unfortunately, just as you don't speak dog,
the dog doesn't speak human, and will not take too kindly to you invading his
personal space. He will bite your nose, knock your favourite vase off its table
and walk out of the house. And that's the last you'll see of him. Problem solved
I suppose.
According to my funky new logo, you are symbolised by the number 11. Or it
could be a Roman Numeral 2. Whatever, you don't like being a number. Not since
you watched that programme about that man stuck in Portmeirion in North Wales
who couldn't get out. Ever since, you've had a phobia of gigantic balloons and
spend most of your waking moments making sure you're not being chased by one.
You will spend October asking people to tell you your name. "Say my name when
you address me!" you will tell people. However, you will have an Incredible
Hulk-like strop when you phone up your mobile phone company to whinge at them
about not being able to make phone calls to dodgy premium-rate companies late at
night. "What's your number?" will be the operator's first question when she
answers the phone. "Grrrrr!!!!" you will growl. "I am not a number. I am a free
man! Stupid tart. Get me your manager. I want compensation. And OFCOM on the
line right now!" She'll probably put the phone down, leaving you to rant and
rave in your paranoid state to nobody.
It's Autumn, which means that the leaves are falling off the trees, the
nights are getting longer, and, well, you get the idea. And what better way to
celebrate the season than playing an Autumn-themed game? Unfortunately, you know
not of the existence of any Autumn-themed games. So, you will have to invent
one. You never know, this could be what makes you a multi-millionaire. Coming up
with an interesting idea for a game may take some time. After all, as already
explained, all that really happens in Autumn is trees shedding leaves and the
long dark nights. Maybe you could invent something a bit like Buckaroo, where
you have a tree full of leaves, and you have to pull off one leaf at a time, and
when a person pulls the "trigger" leaf off, the rest of them fly off. Yes, that
sounds like a good game. I might go and patent it before Apple read this and
claim the idea for themselves and try to sue me. So, seeing as that idea is
actually mine and not the idea that I psychicly predict that you'll come up
with, I'm going to leave you to come up with own.
Oh Leo! The sign of the lion! Despite my picture looking more like a
mangled hook, you still possess lion-like tendencies. This basically means that
you will go around thinking that you're the King of the Animal Kingdom. This is
a bit of a strange kingdom to believe that you rule, but you will carry out your
duties with dignity and with unquestioning loyalty to one's subjects.
Unfortunately, your subjects happen to be cats and dogs and cows and guinea pigs
and pretty much any other animal. The thing with animals is that they tend to do
their own thing, apart from sheep who will just do whatever it is that other
sheep are doing, and dogs who will do anything for anybody who feeds them, and
cats, at least up until the point they've been fed and then they'll just ignore
you until they get hungry again. In fact, you should get an award for the job
that you do, being ruler to the animals. Apart from certain exceptions above,
they're not easy to manage, but you don't really hear of much trouble in the
Animal Kingdom - no terrorist plots, riots, wars, civil unrest and so forth.
Yes, you do a good job, so don't let anybody take that away from you.
Somebody will phone you this month to tell you that your computer has a
virus. You should take heed of this warning and allow them to fix it. Usually it
just involves you giving them your bank account details over the phone and
remote access to your computer, but within hours, all of your computer
virus-related woes will be a thing of the past. You'll probably find that
nothing works properly on it, and it runs suspiciously slowly, especially when
you happen to be logging into your online banking and eBay and other accounts.
And you'll also discover that your bank account has fewer funds in it than you
imagined, but at least your computer won't have a virus. And that, my Virgo
friend, is the most important thing to remember this month.
This month, you will decide to explore your creative side and write a
story about a household object. You will look around your surroundings to decide
what household object will become your story's subject. You could always write a
novel about your fan. That kind of story is called fan fiction, you know! (ahem...) Or
you could write it about your television set. Although more than likely you'll
just write a story about what's on the TV, which is kind of pointless as you'll
just be writing a story that somebody else has already written. What about your
lamp, for a bit of light reading? (sorry!) Or, there's always the washing
machine, although stories about washing machines just go round in circles for
ages, They do tend to come to a dramatic end. Or at least you think it's the
end. Usually there's a bit more to go when nothing really seems to be happening
before it ends for definite. Or what about your kettle? Something hot and
steamy. I could go on all day, but I won't seeing as I need a pee.
The Double Dip recession and rising fuel costs means that this month, you
will decide to leave your car at home and use a bicycle to get yourself out and
about. It's been a long time since you last rode a bike, but remembering how to
keep it from falling over will only take a little practice. This is because it's
an unwritten rule by the people who make up sayings that you're not allowed to
forget how to ride a bike, or else they'd need to come up with a new saying for
being able to do something you haven't done for years without having to learn it
again. So, yes, you will regain your cycling expertise, take to the roads, and
when you return from your journey, you will never ever want to venture out of
the house ever again. Your bike trip will be the scariest, most terrifying, most
fear-inducing experience you've ever had the misfortune to encounter. Cars,
buses, lorries, pedestrians, other cyclists, cats, lollipop ladies, and just
about everything else will appear to do their upmost to get you to collide with
something or fall over or injure yourself in some way. And you only travelled a
quarter of a mile to the Co-op up the road. You'll just have to accept being
extorted at the petrol pumps and try to save money by skipping lunch at work instead.
Your ruling planet, which is quite possibly Mars but is probably something
else, is not happy. A few months back, NASA sent their latest remote-controlled
toy to it. Nicknamed Curiosity, this space buggy is at Mars to probe the Red
Planet and to try to find out stuff about its past. However Mars doesn't like
being probed, and quite understandably, it doesn't want to reveal any of the
skeletons in its closet. To encourage you to empathise with its situation, it is
threatening to reveal some of the darkest secrets from your past this
month. Remember that time you held a dinner party and served cake that was a
week past its use-by date? What about the time you didn't want to have to dump
an obsessive ex so simply ignored texts and phone calls from them until they
went away? Or when you pretended to be dyslexic to win Scrabble games? You would
either get sympathy points for words which were clearly spelled incorrectly, or
get an easy ride from your opponents who didn't want to make you feel
handicapped in any way. Then there was the time you were given the
responsibility of looking after a family member's hamster and accidentally sat
on it, so kept it in your freezer until she returned, put it back in its cage
the day they came back, and said that it's being running in its wheel all day so
is taking a rest. Or what about when you took delivery of a parcel for your
neighbour, denied that you had it and gave it to your mum for Christmas? There
are probably more dark secrets that you have kept hidden for years, more
interesting and imaginative than the ones I've decided to mention. You won't
want any of them to get out, so I'd recommend that you attempt to put a stop to
Curiosity's quest on Mars, before Mars takes its revenge.
This month will end with Halloween, the scariest day of the year. You have
never liked Halloween. The witches and werewolves and other supernatural
goings-on give you the creeps, and you would rather spend your day hiding under
the bed than exposing yourself to the events of the day. Unfortunately, you
bought a new bed earlier this year which you can't get under so you can't hide
there this time around. Instead, you will have to face the horrors that
Halloween brings with it. Things like people threatening to trick you unless you
give them some sweets, and friends and colleagues wearing masks just for the fun
of it. And bobbing for apples. What's that all about? You don't know how to swim and
you have a
fear of drowning, so what enjoyment can you possibly get out of putting your
head under water to get some food? None whatsoever, that's what. I can't say
whether you will survive the whole day as this will take me into November and,
as this prediction is only for October, that would be jumping too far ahead. You
could always phone Psychic Jim's premium rate hotline to hear November's
prediction though if you really need to know.
I'm guessing that as you're meant to be the sign of the water bearer, the
symbol that I've chosen to use to represent you is meant to be water. A bit
zig-zaggy, but water nevertheless. And water will feature heavily during the
month of October, owing to Neptune entering your house. My interpretation of
this unannounced visit by Neptune is that you are going to be flooded. Of
course, having your house flooded is no joking matter, which is fortunate as
there is no humour in any of my predictions. I do try to inject some, but it
just seems to fall flat. So, Neptune will flood your house this October. You
could get some sandbags (where do they come from? Whenever you see floods on TV,
people always seem to have sandbags outside their front door? Does somebody drop
them off or are you actually meant to keep some in your home in case of flooding
emergencies? I don't have any. Maybe I should get some...) Um, where was I? Oh,
yes, so you could get some sandbags to keep the water out, although this won't
be much use if you're already flooded. You could invite over some thirsty camels
and get them to drink the flood water, or you could just move upstairs and wait
for the water to evaporate. Whatever you choose, there's one thing to take from
this prediction. Get sandbags and don't let Neptune into your house in future. That's two
things I suppose but never mind.
It's the final star sign and I've managed a full set of predictions without
making any reference to Steps. Oh! Damn and blast! Nearly a full set. Oh well.
So, what does October hold in store for you? Not a lot. In fact it will be
pretty uneventful. On one day this October, you will have a particularly spicy
meal which will result in a bout of heartburn. What I would recommend you do is
take Gaviscon. Gaviscon will create a barrier which will prevent stomach acids
from refluxing back up the esophagus, and thus ease the pain of heartburn. It may be a
bit like drinking minty snot, but it really will work. I suggest you try it now
to experience it for yourself. And just to prove that Psychic Jim isn't showing
bias towards a particular brand of product, other heartburn and indigestion
remedies are available. They're not as good though. Oh, sorry, they are. In
fact, Psychic Jim has to advise that he does not endorse any heartburn and
indigestion remedies. Hmmm... is Psychic Jim even writing this, or is it being
written by a litigation-fearing higher power in the Caverswall Palace hierarchy
who somehow has editing rights before these horoscopes go to press?