Psychic Jim's Predictions for July 2000

PREDICTIONS FOR JULY 2000

Psychic Jim is back!! After appearing to have vanished for the last half of the year, the mystic marvel hath returnèd. You might ask why. Or you might not. It all depends on whether you actually knew he was gone, and even if you did, whether or not you cared. But, anyway, he's back, he's looking outside his bedroom window/observatory, and he's predicting the future. And below is what it holds....

Hello!!! Psychic Jim here! Before I begin, as you may have noticed, or you will do anyway, I've got some pictures to go with my predictions now. However, I don't think they match up with the right star signs. Sooooo, for some fun and games, and something to keep you occupied, match the correct picture with the correct star sign and you could win a prize! Of course, you could not win a prize too. But still, match them up for me. I really can't be arsed to do it myself.

Aries (21st March - 20th April):
With Mercury going retrograde, Venus being void off course, and Jupiter blocking my view of Neptune, I don't have the faintest idea what July holds for you Arians. This does not bode well, seeing as I have another eleven predictions to write and don't even know what to write for the first one. Oh yes!! Jupiter's moved! I can see Neptune now!!! Hello Neptune! How are you? Yes, I'm not too bad myself. Oh really? You've fallen out with Pluto? Well, I never. That's twice in one week, isn't it? Anyway, can't stand here talking to you all night. I need you to tell me what is going to happen to people born under Aries in July. Okay, so what do you have for me? Hmmmm, is that so? Out of toilet rolls? Blimey! Ahem, excuse me. I was just having a conversation with Neptune (all-powerful sea-god, but quite friendly as far as all-powerful sea-gods go). Apparently, according to him, people born under the astrological sign of Aries will, in July, demolish their homes and build a replica model of the Taj Mahal out of toilet rolls to live in. So, now you know. It's not particularly exciting, but it's better than saying a relationship will improve if you learn to co-operate with your partner, as other so-called "astrologers" usually predict. I mean, of course a relationship will improve with increased co-operation. That's just pointing out the obvious. Humph! They're crap! I'm great!!!

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Don't boil your eggs after they've hatched. Famous proverb, that.

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)
Being the sign of the ram (and one with snakes coming out of its head, according to my picture), you will enter July like a bull in a China shop. Yep, you'll have no consideration for other people, you'll smash things around and then you'll strangle yourself with the snakes coming out of your head. Or, they could be ropes. Perhaps a few strands of spaghetti cleverly woven together. Which reminds me!!! This month, you'll cook a wonderful spaghetti dish! "Spaghetti á la fromage frais", you'll call it. However, you'll be the only person to find it wonderful. Other people think that mixing spaghetti with yoghurt is slightly odd. But, you don't mind people thinking you're slightly odd. After all, you walk around with snakes coming out of your head and a strange goatee beard. Wow!!! I've just realised why a goatee beard is called a goatee. It's because they are like the beards that goats have!!! I can't believe I didn't know that until now! The things you learn when you're making up, sorry, formulating horoscopes!

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Two halves don't make a whole. They make a pint

GEMINI (22nd May - 22nd June)
July sees the creative side of you coming out, with you retiring to your shed to invent something. After many days of hard labour, you will leave your shed and announce your new invention to your parents / brothers / sisters / children / care workers / prison guard / lover / bit-on-the-side / local lollipop lady / milkman / insurance salesman / Jehovah's Witness. "I've done it!" You will say. "I've created something that will revolutionise life in the Twenty-First Century! Based loosely on the idea behind boil-in-the-bag rice, I've invented boil-in-the-bag tea. I've packed loads of bits of tea into a bag and made it so they sort of filter out into boiling water. I shall call my invention the 'tea bag'". After being informed that somebody has already beaten you to it, and after having been sued by the PG Tips chimps, you'll return to your shed for another few days, leaving it later with your enhanced tea bag. "I've done it!" you will say. "This will revolutionalise Twenty-First Century life. I've invented the 'coffee bag'. It's exactly the same as the 'tea bag' only it uses coffee instead of tea." Whether or not it will succeed depends entirely on whether you can convince people that instant coffee granules don't exist any longer.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Do you have problems with the wind? If so, glue your wig to your head.

CANCER (23rd June - 23rd July)
Being the sign of the crab (and one which looks suspiciously like a Scorpion in my picture and is probably meant to match up with Scorpio, not Cancer), you will go into July like a crab in a, erm, ball of seaweed. Fortunately, having nippers and other clever cutting implements, you'll be able to cut yourself out of this seaweed. This is all meant to be symbolic in a way. Of course, you aren't really a crab, and you don't really have nippers. It simply means that, in July, you'll get yourself in something of a tangle, but will be able to get out of it by using something you were born with; it could be tact, wit, skill or brute force. Hmmm, that's quite insightful for me (I'm sure "insightful" should be spelt "inciteful" but the computer says I'm wrong). Yep, anyway, so think of a situation in which there is potential for an entanglement. Perhaps your partner will find out that you've been having an on-off affair with your neighbour's pet dog. This, of course, could be an entanglement of huge proportions, but, as I've already said, you'll be able to get out of it provided you use a gift you were born with. For example, you could be tactful and say, "We weren't kissing, darling. I had something in my eye." This is just one suggestion. I can't think of any more suggestions, so I'll leave you to think of others and I'll write Leo's prediction.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Sniffing glue is extremely dangerous. You could get your nostrils stuck together.

LEO (24th July - 23rd August)
After reading the back pages of a magazine in July, you will decide to set up a phone-line, similar to the type you've seen advertised. "Dirty Debbie's Hotline" you will call it (even if your name isn't Debbie, and even if you're male. You'll simply be 'Debbie' with a deep voice). Below, you'll put your telephone number and the caption, "Call now and hear me moan." However, your business venture will not do too well. After all, desperate men will be extremely disappointed when they call and say, "Hi, Debbie. I want to hear you moan," and you respond by saying, "I've had to do the dishes again! You can do your own washing in future. Put the hoover on for me. This house is a state. Tidy it, we might have visitors. We've got no food in again. When are you going to give me some money to go shopping? You've got to pick the kids up from school today. Make sure you don't forget. You forgot last week. Have you seen how clean the Smith's car is compared with ours. It's a disgrace. I feel ashamed to go out in our car. And when are you going to paint the ceiling? You've been promising to do it for months......."

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A loving gesture will be received with a smack in the mouth. You have been warned

VIRGO (24th August - 23rd September)
This month, you will think that it would be hilarious to speak German to everybody, while simultaneously putting on a French accent. However, nobody else shares your sense of humour and your attempts to be funny will be received with scorn and pity. Of course, read that wrongly and it could say that your attempts to be funny will be received with scones and tea. Or, read it totally wrongly, and you might think I've just said that your attempts to be funny will be received with crumpets, marmalade and butter. After a month of trying to entertain and amuse people with your multi-lingual skills, you'll return to speaking your native language. I'm not quite sure what this prediction is leading up to. I bet you're expecting some sort of punchline or climax or something. However, you're going to be disappointed. Yep, this prediction will simply sort of come to nothing whatsoever. This is symbolic of the month ahead. It'll all come to nothing. Of course, I could be totally wrong. I rarely am, but I ate something the other day that I shouldn't have and haven't been functioning as per normal recently.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Ever wondered what Psychic Jim's Predictions would look like in Welsh? I have...

LIBRA (24th September - 23rd October)
This month you will go for a radical change. Hmmmm, radical. That's a word I don't think Psychic Jim has ever used before. Well, not since he stopped watching Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles about ten years ago. Anyhooooooow, you'll go for a change. Tired of being called "sweet" and "nice" and whatever other words people use to describe a typical Libra, you'll get your face tattooed, your lips pierced, your hair punked up and dyed and you'll throw away your old clothes and go rooting through your cupboards to dig up some even older clothes. After walking around like this for a couple of hours, you'll decide that your new look is not really "you" and that your 'Babygro' is slightly uncomfortable. Fortunately, being a Libra and not liking to take risks, you planned your change so that it could be easily rectified on the off-chance that you didn't like it. You'll scrub off your tattooes, tear the ring out of your lips, grab a bottle of Timotei and give your hair a good old wash, and run after the binmen to get your clothes back. After getting over the ordeal, you'll grab a book and talk to people about the beauty of nature and then start worrying about the most trivial things.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
It may be of no interest to anybody, but these horoscopes for July were actually meant to be for April but were never completed in time.

SCORPIO (24th October - 22nd November)
If you are single, or even if you're not, you will desire companionship and company of the romantic variety during June. Not knowing where to go to find it however, you will attempt a spot of computer dating. Within days, you will have met a potential match. However, having never dated a computer, you will have no idea how to behave on your first date. Even so, you'll meet this computer at your local cyber cafe (hee-hee!!!) and hope for the best. The computer will start the conversation by talking about its three and a half inch floppy, which will shock you somewhat (especially if you're male). After a good couple of hours talking about modems, rams (your computer date also has an obsession with sheep), the internet, sound cards and Windows (your date also has a thing for double-glazing), your date will take out its joystick. "What on earth is that for?" you will shout. "Without this, you can't get to the next level," your computer will reply. You will be so disgusted and angered with your date's premature advances that you will attempt to close down its icons, or something or other. But, suddenly, your date will suddenly stop responding. It won't move, speak, make a noise or anything, no matter how much you push it, pull it, shout abuse at it and hit it. Left with no alternative, you will end the date by pulling out its power cord and returning home.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A talking horse could be cause for concern

SAGITTARIUS (23rd November - 21st December)
This month, after taking a short course in amateur engineering, you will decide to build a car for yourself. However, being short of cash, you will steal a shopping trolley from your local Sainsbury's (go on - do it!) and strap an engine to it. Yep, your new set of wheels will actually be a supermarket trolley. Steering it will be simple. You just simply move to the left and right, and the trolley will sort of steer itself. And the amazing thing is, you can actually drive straight into a supermarket and do your shopping. There will be no need at all to find a parking space. Of course, their will be downsides to driving around everywhere in a supermarket trolley. Firstly, you will look stupid. Secondly, there isn't much protection in a trolley from the natural elements. Thirdly, space will be a severe limitation. You will have no legroom, there will be no chance of carrying passengers and the possibility of having 'relations' with a love interest in the back seat is a definite no-no. And finally, damn! I've forgotten what my final downside would be! Humph!!! Oh yes! I remember. Finally, what is the likelihood of you stealing a trolley which doesn't have a dodgy wheel causing it to go round and round in circles?

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
A hair three inches long plucked from your nostril will shock and bewilder you.

CAPRICORN (22nd December - 20th January)
Sick to the back teeth of the current Pokémon craze (well, it was a current craze in March when I started writing these horoscopes), you will decide to start your very own money-spinning craze. It will be called Chilécon, and will begin when you invent a computer game called Chilécon Carnage. For the game though, you will need to invent some characters with silly names. You can't use Jigglypuff or Wigglytuff though seeing as the Pokémon people have already thought of them. In fact, names like that aren't even considered silly now. New-born babies are now being given those names. It won't be long until America is run by somebody with a name like President Pikachu, Bellsprout, Slowpoke or Roosevelt. Anyway, invent some names for your characters and you can be assured of success. To start you off, here are some suggestions: Wobblyarse, Sweatynipple, Cheeseytoes and Sproutnose. The idea of the game will be to take one of your characters and shoot the Pokémon characters. People everywhere will want to buy it. Your game's success is ensured. However, whoever it is that made Pokémon will probably sue you too. Anyway, after making the computer game, be sure to turn it into an animated cartoon series which nobody will understand. And then make trading cards and encourage kids to spend a fortune on them. Be warned though, because in a year's time, Chilécon will be nothing more than a craze from the past, deemed uncool and boring. Make sure you have a craze for next year planned, and the year after and the year after that. If you don't, you'll become part of history. Anyone remember Sonic the Hedgehog?

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
I've just had a curry and my breath stinks. Be warned, the same thing could happen to you.

AQUARIUS (21st January - 19th February)
Love is in the air! Yep, that's right! If you're looking for love, you'd better hop onto a plane pretty quickly because you're wasting your time looking for it here on solid ground. If you're flying away somewhere this summer, the chances of you finding romantic happiness are quite high (see, that's meant to be a double joke sort of thing - with "high" being related to altitude and suchlike. Wow! I really am getting quite good with my humour!). Of course, though, the stars and planets which provide me with my predictions are often quite vague. When they say that love is in the air, as they have said for you Aquarians, they might not necessarily mean that you'll find it on an aeroplane as I initially interpreted it. Nope, they could mean that you will fall in love with a bird this July. And, I don't mean "bird" as in slang for woman. I mean it as in feathered creature with wings. That's right, you could fall in love with a bird. However, try not to carry your relationship too far. Poking poultry is almost definitely illegal, and, when you get to your wedding, whoever is marrying you (as in the Vicar/Priest) will probably be damned to the burning fires of hell after saying, "Do you?" to you and then, to your intended feathered friend, asking it, "And do you, Swallow?"

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Having a face lift could raise a couple of eyebrows.

PISCES (20th February - 20th March)
This month, while pottering around your back garden, you will discover a hole. "Oh my goodness!" you will exclaim. "Where has this come from? What am I going to do?" You will attempt to fill it, but, after digging up your entire garden, the hole will simply not disappear. You will come to the eventual conclusion that the hole is, in fact, bottomless. "Well, bugger me," you will say in a Cornish accent for added effect. "Oi baint never had a bottomless hole in my garden before." You will find this hole amazing. You will throw things into it, knowing that you'll never see it again. For months, you will lament the loss of your wife, despite knowing the truth of her untimely disappearance all too well. However, one morning, you will wake up and prepare to take the rubbish out to be disposed when you will find empty cans of Fosters, a hat with corks tied to it, a didgeridoo and a broken boomerang strewn across your garden. You will also find a piece of paper saying, "Strewth, mate! Quit sending us your garbage. We can cope with a few old newspapers coming our way, but you've blocked our toilet now you've sent your wife, and I've got her face staring at me every time I go for a whizz." Oh well.

MESSAGE OF THE MONTH
Keep on smiling. It'll freak everybody out.

- Christmas 2000 - October 2000 - July 2000 -
- November 1999 - July 1999 - February 1999 - January 1999 -
- December 1998 - November 1998 - October 1998 - June 1998 - May 1998 -
- Year 2001 Predictions -

- Psychic Jim's Dreams Analysis - Psychic Jim's Prediction Generator -
- Psychic Jim's Medium Wave - Biography of Psychic Jim -

Psychic Jim - Written by James Adams