Psychic Jim's Year 2001 Horoscopes

So, here we are in the year 2001, or Y2K+1 for those who wish to give it its other name. And, being the most amazing astrologer on the planet, Psychic Jim (who very nearly made his debut on US national radio, but forgot to E-mail the producer back!) has provided for us all his predictions for the whole entire year. He deserves a medal of some sort.

ARIES (21st March - 20th April)
For many, many years, you have looked forward to the beginning of the year 2001. Why is this? One reason is because it will be your birthday sometime during that year. The other reason is because you have always thought of 2001 as being futuristic. Of course, 2001 is Space Odyssey year. Okay, so maybe you aren't quite sure what an Odyssey actually is, and looking in my dictionary, it appears that the dictionary writers aren't sure either and decided not to include the word in it at all. But, nevertheless, the whole idea of 2001 being linked to Space Odysseys has always given it a futuristic air. However, as weeks pass, you will grow increasingly disappointed with the year. "Humph!" you will say angrily. "Where are the flying cars? Why aren't my curtains voice-activated yet? Why doesn't a meal come in a little tablet? Why can't I book a holiday to the Moon? Why is my dog still furry and not robotic? Why does he still bark and not beep? Why won't my best friend appear on my table top as a flickering hologram? This year is pants!" Yep, you will decide that 2001 is not quite as futuristic as you have been led to believe it would be and this will cause you to take out a pen and a piece of paper and write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to a certain person who has tricked you, ever since your childhood, that the future would be futuristic. And, to make it even more controversial, you will write it in the style of crap artist, Eminem. Your letter will go something like this: "Dear Mr. George Jetson. What the is going on dude? My girlfriend's pregnant man. But how the will she get to the hospital in a car which don't fly . Hey man, I'm your number one fan. We should be together. Don't diss me man! I got pictures of youse all over my walls. I talk about you 24:7. We should be together. You've got a robotic dog. awesome man. It should be mine. We should be together. Hey! shut up. Hey, George! That's my girlfriend, in the kitchen, tied to the sink. Where's my robot maid? My cousin, he's a bigger fan than I am . You in a quickly man and of a smell sheep. Yeah, man, we should be together. Write me back, George. Your number one fan, this is Sam. P.S. We should be together. yeah!" Of course though, a letter sent to a fictional cartoon character is not likely to get a response, so you will try again and again, each time still without a response. In a final twist, you will decide to record a letter on cassette while attempting to get your car to fly by driving it off a bridge. Whether you succeed or fail is something you will find out later this year.

MESSAGE OF THE YEAR
Camouflaging your house to deter burglars will have adverse consequences when you drive into it, not realising where it is.

TAURUS (21st April - 21st May)
This year, you will decide to take up a new hobby. You will get out some clothes you haven't worn for years and make your merry little way to your local golf club to take up the Royal and Ancient game. You'll start by practicing your swing on the driving range, although you'll find yourself more suited to javelin-throwing than golfing as you keep forgetting to hold onto the club at the end of each swing. After semi-mastering the all-important swing and managing to get the ball to go at least three metres forward, you will feel yourself ready to tackle eighteen holes on the course itself. You'll hire out a selection of golf clubs, put on an extra pair of socks just in case you get a hole in one and drive up to the first tee in your super-powered golf buggy. Here you will meet a couple of other golfers. Being friendly people, they will ask you if you want to join them so you can have a threesome. Slightly shocked by their kinky ideas, you will take them up on their offer, believing the old saying, "when on a golf course, do as the golfers do."